According to the cute little ticker I have right over there on my right sidebar, I have 16 days until surgery!
I am sorta freaking out!
I have raged through many, many emotions over the past two months. I have been hiding those feelings – online, on blog, at home, at school. I have been trying to fight all the feelings because I need to be the strong one! I don’t want Q to be scared! I don’t want Big Man to worry.
Last night on twitter, there was a little conversation among some of my fave ladies! We were chatting about putting on that perfect, smiley face. I realized I have been doing that – making everything ok for everyone! It’s what I do! I put a positive, smiley spin on everything that hurts!
THAT WAS MAKING ME CRAZY! I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t keep posting blogs because I felt like a fraud. I had built up Jen in Real Life to always be this happy, shiny place but that is so NOT real life. I felt trapped by my own ways. I felt like I shouldn’t admit that I was scared or sad or … or… or
I started a new blog, this blog. I changed my name!
I had a new mission – to work on ME! To make each day a little bit better than the day before.
But I let my head get in the way. I let myself start to slip on the slippery slope towards old & bad habits. I wasn’t going to post about being scared. I was going to bury it down and just let you all think everything was hunkydory. It’s not hunkydory. I need major surgery on my knee and ankle. I should have had the ankle surgery 4 years ago, but I was not in a place to do it then. All the regrets of putting off the surgery is staring me in the face. I am freaking out. Surgery is scary. Regret is scary.
I am sorry that I almost allowed my insecurities, and need to be the happy, perky, upbeat Jen, almost keep me from using this space as I intended. I want and need this space to be about the healing.
With the healing, I need the feeling.
The good feelings, the bad feelings, the ugly feelings, and all the feelings in between.
I am done putting a smiley, happy face on all the time!
I am 16 days away from a major surgery and I am SCARED!!
I am 16 days away from surgery and I am facing the fears!
I am facing the feelings.