Coming Clean

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I started back to school last week and I have been super crazy busy with it all. I prepped, researched, created, and planned my butt off for two weeks leading up to my first day. I was so excited for back to school and had big plans for big changes this school year. Yes, I am a nerd like that! 😉
However, getting completely engrossed in work while sitting on my ass with my eyes glued on computer screen. Admittedly, I am proud that I actually spent that time working and did not procrastinate with tweeting and the book of face. I totally neglected my blog. I can’t even say I haven’t blogged just because I was busy preparing for new school year. Other than doing the visalus shake diet, I have done nothing blogworthy. I almost hate to admit it, but I was sort of hiding. It was hot and humid, my main AC unit stopped working, and I think that combined with a very tight summer budget (I may have to find a part time next summer to supplement my summer school earnings) left me in a slump. I can’t explain it – on one hand, I was super excited and focused on school prep and on the other hand, I was miserable and sluggish and feeling lost.

If I am being honest, and I am, I still am feeling both those sets of feelings.

And even more, IT PISSES ME OFF that I can only seem to work one area of my life at a time. Why can’t I be a great teacher, organized and on top of everything, AND actively losing weight AND maintaining a decent home and family?!? I see so many people who seem to be able to juggle and balance it all. I used to be so much better at busy and productive. So, why can’t I get it together this year?!?

I am going to switch over to bullets for a little bit of random rambling thoughts that have been in and out of my head these days. kay?!? thanks.

  • in the past month of vi-shakes, I have only lost 1 pound. I can’t really blame the shakes, I was on-again, off-again with being really strict like I was actually on a diet.
  • shakes plus all the fruit and other add-ins for said shakes is more money than I really want/need to spend.
  • I have let myself get so out of shape. Yes, I know I had surgeries on my leg but I feel like I should be further along – mentally and physically.
  • My first day of school I felt just how out of shape I have become – after a day of teaching and standing most of my day, my legs ached. I was tired and achy from my every day life. I felt pathetic.
  • on the shakes all I thought about was when and what I was going to eat and what was going in my shakes. I feel/felt obsessed.
  • I love to cook. Food is fun and delicious. Bad for me foods are way yummy, but so are fruits and veggies.
  • I don’t want to diet but I want to lose weight.
  • BUT, be perfectly clear, I like me just as I am but I feel like my extra weight is getting in my way – my joints (specifically my surgically repaired joints) would love me if I took off at least 50lbs, my lungs would breathe easier and my boobs wouldn’t suffocate me during yoga.
  • Part of my feels like a failure because I had lost this weight prior to my injury last summer.
  • The stronger part of my wants to know what to do next! I like me but I need to make improvements changes.
  • I need and want to feel better.
  • I want to be active.
  • I hate to say it, but I have to go back to the very beginning. Actually, I don’t hate to say it. I am embracing a new start. I will leave the last year of weigh gain and mental self-abuse and I will work on me.
  • I will feel strong and successful…doing in MY way.
  • This post could get long but I need to grade papers and get to bed at a decent time. I will work on checking in more often…if for no other reason, then I need to clear my head in this space! It is my therapy for sure!!
  • New beginning, here I come!

 

 

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3 responses »

  1. Jen….

    Let me preface this comment by saying I love you.

    Now let’s get real.

    Get off the crappy Visalus shit. You might as well take that money and stand in line at McDonald’s because at least you know your buying crappy processed foods that don’t come with a money sucking pyramid scheme with it and friends who will lie your face about how wonderful the “food” tastes because in the end they want to make money off of you.

    I’m calling you out. You keep saying “going back to basics” but you never go back to them. You know how to do this. It’s time to do it and do it for real. You love to cook. Then cook your body the healthy food it deserves. Move damnit. Like your life depends on it. Walk around the block. Walk up and down your stairs. Who cares what you do as long as you do it!

    You are looking in the wrong places to help you with what you seek. Stop looking outward an look inward. That Jen knows how to take care of business.

    I love you!

  2. Jen, I know your frustration. I’ve said many times before, “Why can I achieve great things in my life, but cannot gain control over the food I eat?” It baffles me sometimes.

    Try not to be so hard on yourself! You didn’t GAIN, so that’s a good thing. And even if you were working out all the time, you probably would have still been tired and achy after your first day. You were excited, and busy, and doing something you haven’t done in months…being wiped out after a day like that is normal.

    I’ve been trying really hard not to put so much pressure on myself to lose this weight in any certain amount of time. It will come off eventually – I just need to keep going. And sometimes, like this past month, I just need to tread water. I batted around the same 3 pounds since the end of July – up 3, down 3, up 3, etc…

    Now I’m ready to move forward again. And maybe I’ll have to tread water around the holidays, and then I’ll start losing again in January.

    I think that as long as I don’t feel like I failed, that I know I’m just treading water, then I’ll just keep chipping away at the extra weight, and some day I will be done!

    Keep your chin up and make yourself some real, good food! I’m not a big fan of the shake thing…I’m doing the Digest Diet right now as a kick start to getting back on track, and the first four days are just shakes and soups – not fun! But on day 5 I get to eat real food again, so I’m just keeping my eyes on that prize! 🙂

  3. Jen,

    Tara nailed it before I could. In talking with you – and reading you – this past year you’ve gone one thing “this is fabulous!” to another thing “THIS is the answer!”… All the while talking badly about yourself when you don’t see miracles in a month.

    STOP IT!

    You love to cook, so cook dammit. Cook healthy, flavorful foods. FEED your body and your Family.

    You LOVE your work (so lucky!). You know how to give your students what they need, and you probably have a 100 tricks already designed in your past classes. Freshen things up, yes. Add a new unit every quarter, great. Don’t feel the need to completely reinvent your teaching life.

    Find regular ways to move and MOVE. Lucy loves walks -and deserves a turn around the neighborhood after guarding the house all day. Steps -they’re what’s for moving.

    You enjoy yoga, practice it a couple days a week. Your daughter liked doing it with you – get some family bonding going.

    Before you go looking for something to change your life, spend the next quarter (Sept.-Dec.) living a consistent life. No big changes, just small tweeks. No miracles, just repetition.

    No answers outside of you. You already have the answers you need inside.

penny for your thoughts...

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