*This is not the post I set out to write! This started as a fitbloggin recap….
I smile in all my pictures.
I am happy until I look at said picture.
And I see my huge arms, double chin, big belly, thunder thighs, etc. If I am smiling in the pictures, my eyes almost disappear.
Why do I think things like this?!?
I actually like myself. I have a good time and I have fun in the moments. In those awesome moments, I don’t even think about what I am going to look like in the picture. I simply enjoy the moments.
But when I look at the pictures of myself, in those happy moments, I nitpick my supposed flaws.
WHY DO I FUCKING DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?
I had a bit of an emotional meltdown (or two or ten) at Fitbloggin. One was during the amazing Self-Acceptance discussion led by Karen, Mara, and Shauna. I don’t even know where to begin, I was listening to everyone’s stories and I felt the first few tears slip from my eyes. Then my cheeks were totally wet and I could barely see through my tears. Before I knew it, I was full on ugly crying.
I am so conflicted – on one hand I LOVE myself. I am a great person with a big heart. I could go on to tell you all the ways I think I am wonderful, but I am not that kind of person. Just know, I know I am awesome.
I DO NOT believe that my outside if awesome. But I don’t hate myself or the way I look until I look at a picture of myself. Or look in the mirror.
Last night I wanted to get started on a fitbloggin recap so I started to look for pics on twitter. (I was terrible and took very few pics with my camera)
I started looking at the pictures and after seeing my smile, I noticed my flaws.
Then ALL I SAW were my flaws.
Then I tweeted….I put it out in the universe…and my friends responded….and I cried.
I need to see myself the way my husband and friends see me. Why can’t I ??
I realized this is broken thinking.
I don’t want to be broken. I want to like me, inside and out, in person and in pictures.
THE NEGATIVE SELF-TALK AND SELF-THOUGHTS HAVE TO STOP!!
I am not sure where to go from here or how to make it easier or better but I need to be nicer to me. I am still conflicted as to how, because I do like myself but not the way I look….does this make sense? I know I am not perfect and I don’t want to be perfect, but I would like to be able to look at myself in the mirror or in pictures and not hate everything I see.