scared panda

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Here I am sitting down to write a recap to fitbloggin and the moments, feelings, and hugs all blur in my mind.

I have been thinking a lot about my two favorite sessions at fitbloggin: self-acceptance and when you have a lot to lose. I cried at both of these sessions. I cried a big, ugly cry. But at both I felt so open, raw, receptive, scared, frustrated, and humbled. And amazed at how many people could make me feel understood. These people got it. They were able to give me words for the feelings I could not express. How did they know what was in my head?!?

One thing that is sticking out in my mind, and has been replaying over and over in my head, is hearing Meegan admit since her injury she has lost her confidence.
I know this feeling.
Only I didn’t know it. I have not been myself in months and months. And if I am being honest, I lost my confidence when I hurt my knee last year. Prior to injury, I felt like I was on top ofthe world. I was running pretty consistently. My eating was good enough to fuel my runs and keep weight under control. I don’t even know what I weighed back then but I knownI felt good.

I lost all confidence in myself and my body. I am afraid of things I should not do not want to be afraid of. I am afraid of things I do not even want to admit. I actually admitted a few of these feelings to Heather and Kyra when we walked around the Harbor.

I am scared of working hard and nothing changing.

I am scared of the changes.

And honestly…

I am scared to death about the end result – I don’t exactly know – I dont want to lose the life I have – I love my husband and I don’t want to change so much that he doesnt love me – totally irrational, since my husband has been supportive and encouraging of absolutely everything I have ever done to improve myself and he has been like that since the day we met. In my rational mind, I know my husband and I will grow through all of our changes but my irrational mind lives a nagging voice of fear. What if everything changes? What if these changes are not good for everyone? What if  it is too much? What if the changes are not enough?

What if I am not enough?

Heather and Kyra listened to most of this mind dump and that is the first time I said those thoughts out loud. I hate that I think those thoughts. But saying them out loud with good friends over a cup of Pink Lemonade Water Ice helped me.  It really does make a world of difference when you say things out loud.

I don’t want to be scared.

I don’t want to stay the same because I am afraid of the unknown future.

I have to live this life!!

I want to like everything about me!

I want to know the girl smiling back at me in a picture is really me!

I want to be me, but the best version of me.

I am scared of wanting too much.

I am scared I don’t deserve what I want.

And I am conflicted, because part of me KNOWS I deserve it but there is still a small part of me that doesn’t.

I hate this conflict.

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13 responses »

  1. I adore you. We will get through this together, and you will not lose the people who love you. They know the real you, deep in there, and it’s her that they cherish. She’ll get her chance to really shine when we take control of our lives and health again.These major changes to our bodies and health (mental and physical) will only result in major life changes if we want them to. People make major shifts when they reach health goals mostly because they were too afraid to make those changes beforehand and gained confidence through their health successes. If you aren’t looking to change your home life, it won’t change. Our health wins will give us the freedom to be who we want to be, not require us to change or change who we already are.

  2. Hugs!!! That afternoon, walking around the harbor with you and Heather, was one of the best times at Fitbloggin. Change is scary, no two ways about it, but AJ has your back.

  3. If the changes are what are best for you, and they work for you, then they won’t be too much, or not enough…and your husband will have no choice but to love you even more, because he fell in love with you, and you’ll be the best you possible. 🙂

  4. Oh, how I get this! It’s so easy to stay in the familiar, isn’t it? The unknown is scary. But why assign negatives to the unknown? I’m sure that your friends and family will love you if you get healthy. You may even inspire them.

    As far as deserving all of this — don’t give any power to the part of you that doesn’t think you deserve it. Prove it to yourself that you are worthy of being healthy. If it helps, remember that you are a role model to those around you. Your actions will affect them, and you would want them to be healthy, right?

    You can do this. You can love yourself enough to be healthy. I promise.

  5. I’m so proud of you for sharing how you’re feeling! I totally get the fear of getting back to your old way of doing things following an injury. I struggled so much with the same thing after my knee surgery in April. I just now finally starting to get back to where I was before I hurt my knee last Thanksgiving. Just getting it out and sharing where you’re at right now is that scary first step, but you’ve taken it. Love you!! xoxo

  6. This site is built around the belief that the world would be an altogether different place if we all did work that actually mattered to us. It takes hard work to do what you love and this is your guide to making it happen. You’ll find all kinds of practical tools, actions and experiments for understanding yourself, finding your purpose and living It!

  7. I’m not sure what hit home in my words, or even what I said exactly that hit that spot. That spot we try so hard to cover up and not reveal. But i’m glad we both hear words that hit our collective spots while we all finally got to meet at the joy that is FitBloggin. Now we’re all in that post-FB stage trying to clamor and figure out what is the next step, what is the next move. I think you’re onto it. you’re writing and you’re reaching out and you know deep down inside that you’re worth it. Now you just need to reach down deep and make that worth bigger. (and so I). xoxo

  8. Dear little sister…fear is just…a feeling. It can not destroy you. I’ve struggled with many of the same fears and I am still here.

    You ARE enough.
    Your are 100% complete and whole right this very minute.
    You are not broken.
    Accept that.

    A Self-Acceptance Experiment (by Martha Beck)

    The best way to improve your situation is to accept it. Unconditionally. Warts and all. Rejecting failure is the reson that denial exists. If it’s unacceptable for you to be [fill in the blank], then the truth is sheer horror. Yet lots of people think this kind of self-loathing is ‘motivational.’ ~ Martha Beck

    1. Think of something virtuous that you haven’t been able to make yourself do.

    2. Now feel the anxiety of believing you must do this undone thing. Really rev up the intolerance. Hate on your fat thighs, your weak will, your laziness. Insist on immediate, total. permanent change. Scream at yourself.

    3. Notice: do you feel more or less inclined to fall back into your bad habits? Do you feel more or less like eating, spending, or stalling? And by the way, how happy are you?

    4. Designate the next 10 minutes a time-out from life – a little vacation you’re going to take for the sake of this experiment. Release your anxiety, self-hatred and non-acceptance. Say to yourself, “For these 10 minutes, it’s all right to be as fat as I am.” Or

    5. Next, drop your resistance to your emotions. If you’re angry at yourself (or anyone else), tell yourself it’s okay to be angry. If you’re scared, tell yourself it’s okay to be scared. You don’t have to like these feelings, but let them be as they are.

    6. While accepting your outward truth (what’s really happening) and your inward truth (what you’re really feeling), notice how tempted you are to indulge your bad habits.

    Love you. A lot.

  9. I’m so proud of you for putting this out there. Fear is such a common thing but it’s always one of the last things people want to talk about! You are definitely not alone in this. I’ve had the exact same feelings and fears. And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with those feelings. You can do this, Jen. One day at a time.

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