random mind dump, weight loss edition

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I needed this random mind dump tonight.

 

  • I think I am making progress on the food front. I am not even close to perfect but in the last 14 days, I have tracked all but one day. I am eating good foods, most of the time, but I my portions are a little big. I am eating mostly wheat free and I think that is good for me on a few levels: my belly gives me less problems, I am more conscious of what else I am eating, I am eating more vegetables and fruits.
  • I drink a lot of coffee. Not the worst thing in the world but not the greatest. I am NOT drinking enough water. Like, AT.ALL. This is just plain dumb and therefore, must be changed.
  • I have been neglecting working out and this is even dumber than not drinking enough water. I have done little things, like adding squats and steps and stairs and yoga poses into my normal daily living. I like doing  this and I will continue, but it is time to make time for real workouts. This means I have to stop allowing distractions, my procrastination, and my excuses. How do I fix this?!? I put it on the plan! I plan a menu every week, why not plan workouts.
  • It is not secret I have been struggling a lot on the weight loss front. TOTALLY MY FAULT. and I totally take responsibility for my actions or lack of. I have not put in anywhere near the effort it requires. I have been all over the place and part of this was me letting myself get away with it and part was me not being able to see the end result. I can’t imagine what 145 would look like. Then I realized, I don’t care what that looks like….actually, it looks like 145 because you see I finally realized for real that I am SO MUCH MORE than a number on a scale. I don’t care about a number on the scale.
  • YES, I want to lose weight but I want to lose enough weight to be able to do certain yoga poses, like this one, without my boobs and belly suffocating me. I want to be able to do push-ups on my toes, and planks for minutes, and wall squats for hours. I want to run again. I want to train for big events again (not because I actually like racing but I do like the training plans). I want to be 90 and still mobile, like my neighbor who is 97 and still mows his own lawn. Yep, that’s what I want!
  • It is totally OK to want these things!! I just have to go after them! AND I AM!
  • I have issues with my dad. I didn’t think I did but  I do! In a very, very big way! Last week, AJ came home from work to tell me my dad had stopped into see AJ at work. As AJ told me what my dad had to say, I felt the tears welling and my chest felt like it was caving in.  My dad has sort of done everything I have asked but to be honest, the last voice mail he left I never even listened to. I still don’t know what I am going to do or what I am going to do but I do know, I need to do something. I have been burying these dad feelings deep down for too long. I must face them…rationally, I know this but that doesn’t make it any easier to pick up the phone.
  • I have fought with my feelings a lot more than I thought. It is time to deal with them, feel them, and work through them. For now, I am going back to regular yoga and regular walking – both activities help me think and feel and think. I have also started talking to AJ about some of my dad issues, my fear about losing weight and losing him, and other emotional gunk. I also have been journaling a bit more. I want to move forward, I NEED to move forward.
  • My AwesomER October Goals are in full effect – while not perfect on any of my goal categories, I am certainly making progress!! I am proud of myself.

 

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5 responses »

  1. I clicked on that yoga pose and almost had a panic attack. I am doing that October Yoga Challenge and it is kicking my butt like nobody’s business. I am pretty much hating it. But persevering.
    Instead of saying “TOTALLY MY FAULT” how about… “I am taking responsibility for this.” Doesn’t that feel better? Because you are! Just by writing an honest post like this.
    Dad issues are no joke. I can attribute the majority of my weight/food/body issues to my own Mom issues. Which are legion. It took me decades to get around to really Dealing in a way that let me let go. I send you courage! and support!
    You SHOULD be proud of yourself. Because you are wonderful. oxoxo

  2. Jen I think you’re hitting on some key points here. At the end of the day we can only really blame ourselves for not moving enough, not eating well enough and not caring enough about our journeys.

    But the same hold true that we can only take the credit for moving enough, eating the way our body requires and caring enough about ourselves to get shit done. Don’t forget to give yourself that credit.

  3. I’m so proud of you. You’re coming to some big time realizations here. Ones that can change everything. And best of all – you know they can change everything! Keep focusing on the stuff you need to work through and those day to day changes that you’re making – the consistency will bring you so much more than you even realize! So much love.

  4. I echo what Susan, Tara, and Meegan said. And? The whole thing about blame, whether we’re blaming ourselves or someone else, is that it never feels good to do it. So, how can you reframe it so it does feel good? Hint: Susan already said it 😉

  5. You are perfectly you…and look at some of the amazing things you have accomplished this month! I’m very happy for you. Issues with a parent are a heavy cross to bear. Just imagine if you resolved some of those issues and put that cross down. How would you feel? I’m not saying it would be easy but you carrying less emotional pain would be a great gift to give yourself. Sending lots of love your way my friend! xoxo

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