This list could go on and on.
The month leading up to November17th, my emotions and thoughts swirled at the damndest of times.
I have begun to work through some of these emotions. I am just now realizing how badly I have been handling, well, everything. I have not really given myself the proper time to work through and feel all the feelings. Instead, I jump from thing to thing, never finishing anything.
After a few terrible attempts at crazy diets, I am working on my eating for real. Its not just calories, but I am paying attention to those. Its not about bad foods or good foods, but good-for-me foods and bad-for-me foods. Its about good choices and consistency.
The last time I was truly consistent was when I was training for 2 half marathons. I am sure I wasn’t perfect, but I don’t remember obsessing about calories, or the scale really. I was happier with my body back then. I felt strong and in control.
Then I felt like my body betrayed me. I was out on a 10 miler when my knee popped, which after another unfurtunate accidental tripping led to knee and ankle surgery. In truth, I am just now painfully realizing, I had and have been betraying my body. I certainly have not been honoring my body. And to be fair, I may not have been honoring mybody whenI was training when I hurt myself. I was running all the time, but I was not really puttingthe same effortinto strength or cross training.
I do good with big goals. I went to college when my daughter was 2 and for the next 6 years, I worked full time and went to school full time and raised a baby. I trained for and completed a half marathon. I was training for two more.
But I did not get to start them, let alone finish.
I have been telling myself it was an injury, then surgery. But I feel like I did something wrong and my body betrayed me or was just telling me something, I don’t know. After my surgery, I kept saying I didn’t care if I ever ran again. And I thought I meant it.
I was, am, afraid of hurting myself again. Afraid of falling. Afraid of pain. Afraid of my leg. Afraid of failing.
I don’t want to be afraid.
I want to try new things.
AND I want to have fun.
And I do want to run again.
I felt strongest when I was running and training.
I am going to run again.
In fact, I am setting a fastically huge goal. The first time I wanted to get into running I set the half marathon as a goal. I was training for two halfs before injury/surgery.
I want to get back into running.
I am training for a full marathon.
In 52 weeks, two years to the day from my surgery, I will start and I will finish the 2013 Philly Marathon.
I decided this goal a few weeks ago but was very hesitant to announce. I am still afraid of my own nature of going a,l gung ho then fizzling. I am confident in my training plan and even in me, but I am cautious. If you haven’t figured out, I tend to get all jazzed and super gungho and then I fizzle. My year long journey to the marathon will be the tale of the turtle.
Baby steps lead to BIG changes. Permanent habits.
I saw this facebook status from
Training isn’t the thing you do once you’re good. It’s the thing you do that makes you good
I look foward to the next 52 weeks, the next steps in this crazy journey.