One Year Since, One Year ‘Til

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Saturday, November 17th  marks one year since I had my knee and ankle surgery. And in this past year, I have learned so much about myself. So much more than I can put into words. In the past year have gone through more emotions than I knew possible.
Pain
Anger
Sadness
Denial
Depression
Uncertainty
Fear
Panic
False-excitement
Defeat
This list could go on and on.

The month leading up to November17th, my emotions and thoughts swirled at the damndest of times.

I have begun to work through some of these emotions. I am just now realizing how badly I have been handling, well, everything. I have not really given myself the proper time to work through and feel all the feelings. Instead, I jump from thing to thing, never finishing anything.

After a few terrible attempts at crazy diets, I am working on my eating for real. Its not just calories, but I am paying attention to those. Its not about bad foods or good foods, but good-for-me foods and bad-for-me foods. Its about good choices and consistency.
Aah consistency.
The last time I was truly consistent was when I was training for 2 half marathons. I am sure I wasn’t perfect, but I don’t remember obsessing about calories, or the scale really. I was happier with my body back then. I felt strong and in control.
Then I felt like my body betrayed me. I was out on a 10 miler when my knee popped, which after another unfurtunate accidental tripping led to knee and ankle surgery. In truth, I am just now painfully realizing, I had and have been betraying my body. I certainly have not been honoring my body. And to be fair, I may not have been honoring mybody whenI was training when I hurt myself. I was running all the time, but I was not really puttingthe same effortinto strength or cross training.
I do good with big goals. I went to college when my daughter was 2 and for the next 6 years, I worked full time and went to school full time and raised a baby. I trained for and completed a half marathon. I was training for two more.
But I did not get to start them, let alone finish.
I have been telling myself it was an injury, then surgery. But I feel like I did something wrong and my body betrayed me or was just telling me something, I don’t know. After my surgery, I kept saying I didn’t care if I ever ran again. And I thought I meant it.
I was, am, afraid of hurting myself again. Afraid of falling. Afraid of pain. Afraid of my leg. Afraid of failing.
I don’t want to be afraid.
I want to try new things.
Silly things.
Serious things.
AND I want to have fun.
And I do want to run again.

I felt strongest when I was running and training.
I am going to run again.
In fact, I am setting a fastically huge goal. The first time I wanted to get into running I set the half marathon as a goal. I was training for two halfs before injury/surgery.
I want to get back into running.
I am training for a full marathon.
In 52 weeks, two years to the day from my surgery, I will start and I will finish the 2013 Philly Marathon.

I decided this goal a few weeks ago but was very hesitant to announce. I am still afraid of my own nature of going a,l gung ho then fizzling. I am confident in my training plan and even in me, but I am cautious. If you haven’t figured out, I tend to get all jazzed and super gungho and then I fizzle. My year long journey to the marathon will be the tale of the turtle.
Baby steps lead to BIG changes. Permanent habits.

I saw this facebook status from

Training isn’t the thing you do once you’re good. It’s the thing you do that makes you good

I look foward to the next 52 weeks, the next steps in this crazy journey.

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5 responses »

  1. Big goals need big plans and you understand that. I know you can do anything you set your mind to. My only suggestion would set short term goals to help you through the next year. This way you are working towards something that will come to fruition sooner, help keep you motivated and shows you’re progressing along nicely. My first goal was one mile. Good luck! I am so excited that I will get to be there with you!!!

    • definitely!! I am going to set mini goals along the way – maybe weekly bit goals. Q and I are going to run/walk a 5K every month together! AND I am going to make my list of 35 things I want to try for the year I turn 35.

  2. You are amazing and I have no doubt that you will accomplish this goal. My daughter isi n the process of doing 25 things in her 25th year. She is doing a half marathon, but to her credit, she did jump out of an airplane.

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