A few days ago on Facebook I came across the picture posted above.
I have dieted before and I suck at it. I probably started dieting before I was ten years old. You see, my mom was always on a diet when I was a kid. Always. And she always threw herself head first into these diets. If pineapple was the latest and greatest in diet trends, my mom put pineapple in everything. Looking back, I realize my mom was hungry and that is why she snapped easily and spoke in harsh tones degrading words.
Often fat and stupid were said to me at the same time. I thought there was something wrong with me. I also thought I was fat and stupid. I’ve since learned that my mom was a very young, single mom and she was always dieting therefore always hungry. I have learned I’m not a nice person when I’m hungry. I’m not letting my mom off the hook but I am 35 (almost 36) years old and I’m not going to continue to blame my mommy. My daughter’s grandmother is so not the same woman that raised me. They may look alike but the grandmother version has cooled her tongue.
Growing up u never thought I was good enough. I always thought I was fat and there was something wrong with me. I wish I could go back and tell me teenage self how awesome I am. I can’t do that but there are things I can do.
I canstop dieting. Actually, I pretty much have stopped dieting. I still need to work on the diet mentality but I’ve made some progress here. I have been on a food elimination for 20 days but for the first time ever this elimination is all about healing my (itchy) body not losing weight.
I can stop hating on my body. So what if I have gained back almost 60 pounds. After I hurt my knee and subsequently needed surgery on my knee and ankle, I lost all my confidence. I let fear and insecurity creep into my head and heart. Not only have I hated on my fat but my injuries. I realize I have been hating on my body for failing me when I should have been at my strongest. I was one week out from my second half marathon and my knee injury sidelined me. I don’t think I’ve fully gotten over it. I am sure that is why it was so important to set a goal of a marathon and just as easy to dismiss that goal when training was too hard.
I want my body to work. When I diet, I am especially hard on my body. I am especially hard on my (perceived) failures and flaws. When I diet, all I see are the negatives. When I diet I lose weight but I gain it all back. When I diet I am so focused on the number on the scale, I am not what I would consider healthy. Not dieting and eating crap is not healthy either and I’m realizing I have been doing that partly as a form of punishment to my broken body parts.
I try really hard to not call myself or my body parts fat. I don’t want my Q to think like I think. I want her to see beauty in every body. Hell, I see beauty in every body but I have a hard time seeing it me. I worry all the time my insecurities could rub off on Q.
Today I was given a gift. Proof that I’m doing OK by my beautiful, smart, sassy, smart daughter (remind me of this next week when she rolls her eyes and is driving me crazy) liked a picture on Facebook.
She liked this picture. I think she gets it. Did I mention she’s smart?!? Don’t tell her but I am always learning from her.
No more dieting or body hating for me. I am awesome. The only improvement I need is to fix whatever is causing me to itch. And that gremlin I have living in my belly.
I want to feel better. And I want to live a long life. A long, healthy, active life. I want to be like Betty White or my next door neighbor…. 90-something and still moving and grooving. I want to move and groove into my nineties. I want to harass love on my kid and her kids (in about 15-20 years) and their kids.
I don’t know how to measure all that awesomeness on a scale. Do you?
I don’t think I want too much out of life. I do need to be healthier and more active with more consistency but I don’t need to let that turn into a battle with the scale. I hate how dieting makes me feel. So I’m not going to do it.
I have a plan. But that is a post for another day. Stay tuned. I will post about this plan in a day or two.