I started thinking about this blog and this space and what I want, what I am doing, why I am doing it and I almost decided to completely stop blogging.
I have not blogged with any regularity….for the better part of the last year. Honestly, I am not sure how many times I have stared at a blank post with my brain swirling with half-ideas only to find my fingers paralyzed on the keyboard. There are no less than six just-started blogs in draft. It is a serious case of too much to say/nothing to say inner conflict along with the who cares what I have to say inner self-doubt. I don’t know what I want to say, how I want to say it and why anyone want to read what I say.
It’s time to come clean.
I have struggled through the last few years. I haven’t had a purpose, a reason, for doing what I am doing. I have struggled in so many facets of life and living: growing up, a teenage daughter, financial stress, work stress, health issues, to blog or not to blog.
This blog (or the blogs that led me to this blog) were supposed to be my place to journal and share my journey. I wanted a place to clear my head and document what was going on with me. I was once a weight loss blogger and I was once a running blogger and now I am an I-don’t-know-what-kind-of blogger.
Do I want to be a blogger?!?
I wasn’t sure. I don’t want to just be more noise out there on the internet. After a bit of chatting it up with a few friends and really searching myself, I have decided I do want to blog. My way. I want to use this space to live my headline: listen, learn, love, mend. I am not broken but I am not in the best of places….if I can use my own words as a way of seeing and working through things, I stand a chance. I am going back to my old ways, when my blog was my place, my space to work through whatever goes through my head when it goes through my head.
I am not going to reinvent my blog. I am not going to change my url or my name (I have done a lot of that along the way) but I am going to take all the pressure off. I am going to use my space much like a journal. I may use random writing prompts just to keep the creative flow moving or I may just work through thoughts or problems, or I just might journal what is going on in my world. I don’t need to reinvent myself, I just have to listen, learn, love and mend my way to true happiness.
Let’s talk Weight
I have gained back every pound I lost 5 years ago. I started gaining three years ago when my injury kept me out of what would have been my second half marathon. That injury lead to surgery which meant 9 weeks on crutches and a full year worth of recovery. Then two years ago, I developed this weird belly thing which has still not been diagnosed, but I call it my gremlin. Then one year ago, I developed this wonderful itching and rashes. Yep, this one is still undiagnosed as well. Not for lack of trying. I have been to doctors, had tests and procedures and still nothing.
I am miserable in so many ways. I feel like my body hates me. My ankle and knee are so much better post-surgery but I have dealt with so many other health issues since. I was concerned my weight gain would cause more health issues so I went to my regular doctor for a physical. According to my bloodwork, I have excellent numbers (awesome cholesterol and even awesomer blood pressure) despite the creeping upwards number on the scale.
I talked to Doc about this for awhile and he wants to me to work on losing 10% of my current weight. But get this, he wants me to lose that weight over a 6-12 month period. He wants moderation and movement and slow, reasonable weight loss. Whoa.
Weight loss. Body Image. Healthy at Any Size. Fat Acceptance. Love yourself. SelfLove. Self Care. Ditch the scale. Eat the food. Up your calories. Low calorie. High Fat. Low Carb. High Protein. Gluten Free. Paleo.
It is so overwhelming. How do I want to go about weight loss?!? I have been pretty adamant about not wanting weight loss to be my focus. I still don’t want weight loss to be my main focus. I need to heal my gut-gremlin and itchy skin. It is really hard to worry about the number on the scale when I want to itch my skin off or when my belly is in pain. But regardless, I need to take some pounds off my body.
I need a plan of action for losing weight and I am working on it. I need to think some more and figure out what I want and what I am willing to do to get what I want.
But I need to lose some of the weight. My body is screaming at me regularly and it is not happy with the extra weight. My joints are hurty and stiff, I get out of breath doing nothing, my body feels weak and my clothes don’t fit. I think I need to make more of a list if what is going on with my body and what I hope to accomplish by losing weight.
I want to feel strong again and right now I feel fat.
I am ready to feel happy.
I want to feel happy.
I may have lost my way but I will find my way back to happy,
First step is admitting where I have been, the next step is determining what I want and then working up an action plan.