I have lost my way

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OR maybe, just maybe, I have no idea what the fuck I am doing….

I started thinking about this blog and this space and what I want, what I am doing, why I am doing it and I almost decided to completely stop blogging.

I have not blogged with any regularity….for the better part of the last year. Honestly, I am not sure how many times I have stared at a blank post with my brain swirling with half-ideas only to find my fingers paralyzed on the keyboard. There are no less than six just-started blogs in draft. It is a serious case of too much to say/nothing to say inner conflict along with the who cares what I have to say inner self-doubt. I don’t know what I want to say, how I want to say it and why anyone want to read what I say.

 It’s time to come clean.

I have struggled through the last few years. I haven’t had a purpose, a reason, for doing what I am doing. I have struggled in so many facets of life and living: growing up, a teenage daughter, financial stress, work stress, health issues, to blog or not to blog.

This blog (or the blogs that led me to this blog) were supposed to be my place to journal and share my journey. I wanted a place to clear my head and document what was going on with me. I was once a weight loss blogger and I was once a running blogger and now I am an I-don’t-know-what-kind-of blogger.

Do I want to be a blogger?!? 

I wasn’t sure. I don’t want to just be more noise out there on the internet. After a bit of chatting it up with a few friends and really searching myself, I have decided I do want to blog. My way. I want to use this space to live my headline: listen, learn, love, mend. I am not broken but I am not in the best of places….if I can use my own words as a way of seeing and working through things, I stand a chance. I am going back to my old ways, when my blog was my place, my space to work through whatever goes through my head when it goes through my head.

I am not going to reinvent my blog. I am not going to change my url or my name (I have done a lot of that along the way) but I am going to take all the pressure off. I am going to use my space much like a journal. I may use random writing prompts just to keep the creative flow moving or I may just work through thoughts or problems, or I just might journal what is going on in my world. I don’t need to reinvent myself, I just have to listen, learn, love and mend my way to true happiness.

Let’s talk Weight Loss Gain

I have gained back every pound I lost 5 years ago.  I started gaining three years ago when my injury kept me out of what would have been my second half marathon. That injury lead to surgery which meant 9 weeks on crutches and a full year worth of recovery. Then two years ago, I developed this weird belly thing which has still not been diagnosed, but I call it my gremlin. Then one year ago, I developed this wonderful itching and rashes. Yep, this one is still undiagnosed as well. Not for lack of trying. I have been to doctors, had tests and procedures and still nothing.

I am miserable in so many ways. I feel like my body hates me. My ankle and knee are so much better post-surgery but I have dealt with so many other health issues since. I was concerned my weight gain would cause more health issues so I went to my regular doctor for a physical. According to my bloodwork, I have excellent numbers (awesome cholesterol and even awesomer blood pressure) despite the creeping upwards number on the scale.

I talked to Doc about this for awhile and he wants to me to work on losing 10% of my current weight. But get this, he wants me to lose that weight over a 6-12 month period. He wants moderation and movement and slow, reasonable weight loss. Whoa.

Weight loss. Body Image. Healthy at Any Size. Fat Acceptance. Love yourself. SelfLove. Self Care. Ditch the scale. Eat the food. Up your calories. Low calorie. High Fat. Low Carb. High Protein. Gluten Free. Paleo.

It is so overwhelming. How do I want to go about weight loss?!? I have been pretty adamant about not wanting weight loss to be my focus. I still don’t want weight loss to be my main focus. I need to heal my gut-gremlin and itchy skin. It is really hard to worry about the number on the scale when I want to itch my skin off or when my belly is in pain. But regardless, I need to take some pounds off my body.

I need a plan of action for losing weight and I am working on it. I need to think some more and figure out what I want and what I am willing to do to get what I want.

But I need to lose some of  the weight. My body is screaming at me regularly and it is not happy with the extra weight. My joints are hurty and stiff, I get out of breath doing nothing, my body feels weak and my clothes don’t fit. I think I need to make more of a list if what is going on with my body and what I hope to accomplish by losing weight.

I want to feel strong again and right now I feel fat.

I am ready to feel happy.

I want to feel happy.

I may have lost my way but I will find my way back to happy,

First step is admitting where I have been, the next step is determining what I want and then working up an action plan.

Stay tuned…..

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9 responses »

  1. Ah, figuring out what you want AND what you are willing to do to get it are key. I think too many people focus on the first part and not the second, and then don’t have a plan/path that works for them.

  2. You are my name twin! What a beautiful share… I really connected with everything your wrote. At my heaviest, my 5’5″ frame was clocking in at 240 in 2010… I may have gotten even heavier after that but I was too depressed to weigh myself. I do know that I was wearing 18/20 clothes. By the end of 240, with the help of some medication to treat my thyroid, i was down to 225 where I stayed, more or less until about 90 days ago. This morning I weighed in at a pre-coffee poop of 200.6. It is fragile weight loss and the closer I get to being under 200 lbs- which will be a first for me since 2008, the more anxious it makes me. When you wrote:

    Weight loss. Body Image. Healthy at Any Size. Fat Acceptance. Love yourself. SelfLove. Self Care. Ditch the scale. Eat the food. Up your calories. Low calorie. High Fat. Low Carb. High Protein. Gluten Free. Paleo.

    THIS. Yes. It IS confusing and what works for person A may or may not work for person B… and I think unraveling that piece was one (of many) ah-ha moments. Keep writing and we’ll all keep reading! Have a great day!

  3. I love you. I’m here to support you as you decide what is best for you. I’ve also had some struggles/injuries and can relate to so much of what you say. But I’m here with you and for you! oxoxo

  4. I have thoughts (and this surprises no one!)
    1. Have you tried doing a brain-dump daily? You sit and the keyboard, set a time for 10 minutes, and simply press the keyboard. Write exactly what comes into your head -no editing, no thoughts, no criticism. Just getting words out.

    It might help with the writing/action block.

    2. I LOVE YOUR DOCTOR. 10% of 6-12 months is ideal. It’s achievable and sustainable. And it means that a slip one day does not derail the whole goal.

    3. I adore you.And however you blog.

  5. Love you, friend! Slow and steady wins the race. And the Whole30 is a great way to reboot the body! I am here for you!

  6. Right there with you, Jen! I can’t offer any insight into your belly or skin issues, but my guess is that gluten-/wheat-free is probably wise. (It may not be the issue, but it probably won’t make things worse.) The long, slow weight gain is something I’ve dealt with, too. And the solution is long, slow weight loss. Delayed gratification never appeals to me, but I try to think about the changes I made when I was first successful: Small, regular changes over a long period of time. And I look at the things I am doing right, and try not to beat myself up too much over what I’m doing wrong. We’re human. Life happens. Like you, I have very healthy numbers, with the exception of the scale. And I just don’t feel good. So it’s time to change. I hope you get some answers soon, and I hope you know I’ll be walking/slogging/crawling alongside you, even if we’re a couple time zones apart.

  7. ((hugs)) you know I love you and will help you any way I can. I hate that you are still dealing with the itchies and gremlin 2 years later. Those things need to leave my friend alone.

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