Tag Archives: mental-health

taking care of me

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August has already been quite the eventful month. I decided to look into a part time job. If you are counting, this makes 3 outside of the house jobs.

  • teaching
  • cleaning, tourist changeovers
  • server, Applebee’s

And don’t forget:

  • mom to human child
  • mom to furbabies
  • wife
  • band booster secretary
  • band mom
  • and I am sure I am missing some…

I have set out to start taking better care of Jen, (no, I will not be speaking any further in the 3rd person….it s just plain weird)

I have walked every day since July 7th. This is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I did not set out to walk every day for 30+ days. But once I hit day 16 or so, I felt like I could do anything!! And, I figured I could set a goal of continuing the streak until I started back in school September 2nd. At first I kept this goal a secret. I didn’t want to jinx myself. I kept going. Adding one day at a time.

To make this goal a reality, I am having to change the way I speak to myself and out loud. I talk about wanting to get my walk in and not how I “need” to walk. I want to continue my walking streak and as long as I think about it as something I want to do then I will keep on keepin’ on. Some days are hard, not gonna lie. I tell myself to just start moving. I can walk one mile no matter what!!

Two weeks ago, my Q and I started the PiYo program. We set out with the intentions to follow the program exactly the way it is written out on the calendar which was provided. Week one we rocked. Week two took a few twists. Taking on a new job where I am on my feet the whole time changed my thoughts on working out just a bit. I want to do every piyo workout. More importantly, I want to do every piyo workout without injury. That means I must listen to my body and not that tiny voice of guilt from not doing it. Last week, I took one rest day and then doubled up the next day and that was great!! The day I doubled up, I felt strong and ready to tackle it all. The day before when I chose a rest, I was tired and my legs felt tired and heavy.

And then there was Sunday. On Sundays I clean in the mornings but this Sunday, I also was scheduled for a training shift at AppleBee’s (AB) from 5-10pm. Did I mention this was all the night before Q started band camp?!? In between cleaning and showering for AB, I walked one mile in my bedroom. I took that walk low and slow…I use my Leslie Sansone videos but to keep it low, I don’t use the normal intensity. I keep the kicks and knees lower. I wanted to walk to keep my streak alive but I knew I would be on my feet for 5 hours. Keeping it low allowed me to walk and to stretch my legs a bit.

I am learning I can walk every day. I can do the PiYo workouts. I can work a physical job. I can do it all. I think walking every day has been good for me. I am successful in  this goal and I am starting to feel my legs responding. PiYo is hard for me but I modify and I do my best and I cannot wait to see what 8 weeks of this looks and feels like. I am looking forward to the physical changes, I am already noticing the mental benefits of both of my fitness endeavors.

I have walked late at night to get it in. I walked last night at 9:30. It is a wonderful benefit of walk at home workouts….I don’t have to worry about heat, humidity, rain, bugs, dark, etc. Even on the days I have walked late, I have felt like such a rockstar for getting in my walk. I feel like I am doing this great thing for my body. I am now realizing, it is not just my body that is happy for my daily walks!!

My new fitness endeavors are new ways to take care of me!

WOW!

 

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Perfect day for yoga

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I went to my 3rd (out of 7) Wednesday YIN yoga class. I have been trying to blog about this new class but I haven’t had the words. But after class the other day, I needed to work through some of my feelings and thoughts about and associated with this class.Wednesday was a beautiful, sunny day…still cold and a lot tad windy but beautiful. Even the drive to class was beautiful. Every song that came on the radio was upbeat and singalongable and I didn’t hit any traffic snags. The drive relaxed me and pumped me up all at the same time.

I couldn’t wait for class.

Stevee, yoga instructor, started the class with a few questions:

Why are you here? Has your reason changed?

If you know me, you know I’m sort of loud and outgoing and upbeat. I put on a good show of confidence but I have many bouts of self doubt and insecurity. Especially around strangers. And even more especially when I am truly honest with my feelings and thoughts and emotions…in front of strangers or coworkers. I wait to hear what others say and share before I let my all out loud.

When Stevee asked these questions I was the first to volunteer. I blurted out my yoga “story” which is not much of a story but I’ll bullet point it here anyway.
*my first yoga experience was about 4 years ago. I hated it. In fact, yoga pisses me off. I didn’t know how and couldn’t turn my brain off. Plus, I had no balance. I made it thru 4 classes and that was it.
*knee and ankle surgery. Lots of physical therapy.
*last year when I had a gym membership, I tried a yoga class again. This class was intense but the instructor always repeated, “listen to your body,” “this is a judgement free zone,” and “do not compare yourself to your neighbor, eyes on your mat.” I didn’t go to many classes but but I did discover I could silence my brain chatter. I could listen to my body.
*I discovered how good downward dog felt on my poor achy calf (remember that surgeries leg). However, I discovered DWD too late because my other gym activities left me with a bummed calf.
*I rested my calf. I got lazy. I got bummed. I got downright depressed.
*I set huge goals that now scare the bejeebus out of me.
*I came across this free yoga class at my college. The instructor hooked me in from her first hello. I signed up for Stevee’s emails and within a week or so, I had an invitation to her upcoming class. I had never heard if yin yoga but the description sounded like something I would be into.
*when I started this class, I wanted to work on my mind-body connection but I wanted to work that connective tissue to continue to heal, and increase flexibility and mobility, ankle which has an incredible amount of scar tissue. I wanted help with my running, because of that big, scary goal.
*my reasons for continuing this class is the emotional attachment to that hour on the mat. I sound like a yogi My body as much as my mind as much as my soul need my hour on Wednesday. I almost cannot give you the words for how much I feel during yin.
*then Stevee asked if I was using it off the mat. And I truly believe that in this class I am learning to be mindful, on and off my mar. I still have to remind myself to listen and to trust myself but I am more mindful off my mat.

 

I know I rambled, and I didn’t get into this much detail in class but I hit the highlights. When I was finished talking, I was all choked up. I didn’t actually cry, i didn’t hold tears in I just didn’t actually cry. We went around the room and I tried to listen but I was very zoned into not own head. Not in a distracted, what’s on my to do list sorta way but in a deep thought zone. It was a weird zone-out because I was still very aware of the conversations around me as my classmates shared their yoga stories and what brought them to this class.

Class was awesome….just the right combination of poses and conversation. I am soaking in this new knowledge. Yin yoga is different than any other yoga class I have ever taken or any dvd I have ever followed along with. In Yin you hold poses for 3-5 minutes and you use props – blocks and straps and blankets to assist in the poses. The point of the poses is not to engage all your muscles while you hold a crazy pose, instead its actually the opposite. In Yin, you sort of turn to mush in the poses. Stevee likens it to acupuncture without the needles. It reminds me of that “hurt so good” feeling you get when you foam roll after a 10-miler. I am truly learning what my body likes and needs.

And I think I am falling in love with my body. And yoga.

It was the perfect day for yoga.

The ride home from class was just as beautiful, just as perfect. I can’t remember what was on the radio. I was too busy enjoying the scenery.
See for yourself….

imagejust a cell-phone picture but I needed to get a picture of those clouds over the bay at sunset.

rough week, reset needed

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I have had a ROUGH week!

Q is sick! Again! She has been home from school all week!!

AJ has a tooth infection and has been miserable at home all week.

My car sputtered to a stop last Saturday and has not run since.

All this plus hormones and a medical “thing” for me on Thursday.

It’s been a crazy and rough week!

I have not yoga’d or exercised the way I would like. My family needed me. I needed to take care of them, the house and myself. Unfortunately, I haven’t quite figured out how to do it all. Instead of beating myself up for being human, I am trying something new!

I am hitting the reset button.

 

 

My goals have to changed. I still want to improve my yoga. I still want to complete a marathon in November. I still want to lose weight and find my happy place with food and my weight.

I just had a bit of an obstacle course this week. I am sure I could have handled it all better and found a way to get my workouts and yoga but I did not.

Instead of getting caught up in what I didn’t do, what I didn’t get done and why I am choosing to move on.

Life happened and I am hitting a reset button!!

But what does that mean?!?

My reset starts today and I will focus on a few things that will help me get to my goals. I will reevaluate this list in March! For now, I will:

  • complete 28 days of daily yoga.
  • get caught up, and continue #YogaADay pics
  • strive to earn a Trophy on my Polar every week
  • walk/run on the treadmill or outside for 30 minutes, 3 times each week
  • use gorilla app every other day.

 

Other than a few splurges, I have continued my good eating habits. January was amazing and I really loved following the #Whole30 guidelines. While Whole30 was very strict, and I don’t plan on continuing SO strict, but I like the way I feel so I will continue with MANY of those good habits. The last two days were WAY OFF (not bad but off due to a medical procedure) but today (remember I hit that reset button) I am back to making good for me food choices.

 

This IS PROGRESS for me!! Normally, I would say, “screw it!! you already screwed up so you might as well eat whatever you want!!”  PROGRESS is setting the RESET button!

How do you handle obstacles? Day of no exercise? Days of bad eating?

Do you need to hit the RESET button?

mind dump

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Warning: hormonal ramblings/rantings ahead! I need to clear my head and I may need to look back at this as a reminder in the future.

 

I am stressed.

And it’s all about money.

There is never enough.

We are lucky, Big Man is working again (at least part time) and we are digging our way out of the hole, but it sucks. Some days it sucks more than others. Today, it sucks real bad.

I am so conflicted.

On one hand, I know how lucky we are. I do know how good we have it. That would be rational practical Jen. She understands that we can pay our bills, we have a safe rood over our heads, we have delicious and healthy food on our table, and we have a great relationship (yep, all 3 of us, even the teen).

On the other hand, I want to be able to do things without “figuring” it out. That would be Wants It All/Now Jen. Let’s just say, she is quite grumpy that practical Jen always wins out.

Enough of that, I am not good at writing in crazy person. 

I have to be honest, there is a tiny part of me that really wants to throw a hissy fit. I work hard why is it such a struggle to get ahead. It just isn’t fair! Yep, I said it…and I know, I know…life ain’t fair. But today is just one of those days where I want to stomp my feet and throw a hissy fit.

Instead, I blog. It feels good to get this gunk out of my head. I don’t blog for pity or advice – unless I ask for it, and when I need it I will ask. I am not silly enough to not ask for what I need.

Today, I needed to dump this out of my head. I am hormonal and apparently that has just made tight finances freak me out. I don’t really know why I let it get to me so much. Every year at this time, I stress about paying everything.

I think I need to work on my budget just a bit better so I don’t have to stress next year. This year IS easier than it was last year. #alwayslearning

Alright, I feel better now. I feel more clearminded. I also think I need to work on a few things that could help my purse strings.

Let’s end this post on a positive note…

Today I completed Day #7 of my yoga streak!!

 

warning, many eff-bombs

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warning: this post is going to contain numerous eff-bombs!

 

Dear #dicklint,

 

Who the fuck do you think you are?!?

How dare you?

It has been years since we spoke and that did not go well.

It has been 12 years since you have seen my daughter.

You may share some biological connection but dna does not make a daddy.

Did you really think I would accept your request for facebook friendship?!?

Leave my friends alone! They aren’t going to feed you info.

If you wanted to be a part of her life, maybe you should have tried many years ago.

You will not disrupt her life!

You will not fuck with me!

You have no power over me!

Your have no control over me!

I will admit, at first I had fear.

Then, there was confusion.

Then anger.

Still anger!

Lots of anger!

I was paralyzed with the swirl of emotions.

They hit me so hard.

so fast.

So, all at once.

I was in a tornado.

Trapped in the swirl.

Paralyzed by it all, but mostly the anger.

Still the anger is present.

I am trying to breathe but it is hard.

Today, I take a stand!

Yesterday, I made it to the gym and I lifted heavy weights.

Lifting heavy weights, I focused on the strength I have gained.

I am not the same scared little 22 year old who left you and your abuse.

I am stronger.

SO.MUCH.STRONGER.

But I can thank you.

You pushed me to gain strength.

You pushed me to be a better person (it wasn’t hard, I just needed you out of our life).

Full circle.

You can’t hurt me anymore.

I will NOT allow you to hurt my little girl.

I am strong!

I am in control.

You, are a pathetic excuse for a man!

However, I must thank you.

You taught me to trust myself.

and you gave me the greatest gift, but you can’t have her back.

So, NO, I will not be your facebook friend.

Are you that fucking dumb that you thought I would?!?

 

Fuck you and goodbye!