I’ve been doing it all wrong

WARNiNG: this post may ramble.
WARNiNG: this post will be a complete mind dump.

The other day I finally got around to starting what I thought would be a daily thing for 30 days. I had Q take a picture of me doing a challenging yoga pose. It was my intent to do this pose every day and I would take pictures every so often. Well, that pose is freaking hard. I did it for three days then stopped. It hurt and I hadn’t made any progress.
I’ve been doing it wrong!
Progress can’t be made in only three days. But that isn’t what I was doing wrong. I was actually doing the pose wrong…well, not wrong but I had not looked into modifications and/or working my way from beginner to proficient in this pose. I read up and will not be doing this pose a bit differently. I will now be using a more yin (or restorative) approach. In fact, I have been struggling to get into a daily, or even weekly, practice. I have not been listening to my body. Instead, when I have been unsuccessful I have stopped doing it. Period. End of story.

I started the year talking about running a marathon. That so did not happen. I had a minor injury. Then I started lifting. Then I injured my neck. I never got back to running.
I’ve been doing it wrong!
I gave up. I was unsuccessful and I stopped doing it. I didn’t modify or adjust my plans. I didn’t scale back. I just gave up. I quit. Period. End of story.

I see a pattern.
Set huge lofty goals. Underestimate just how much hard work will be required. Have a setback. Give up.

I’ve been doing it all wrong.

You haven’t seen much in the way of blogging in a few months.What you can’t see is the months and months of doing nothing. And the toll doing nothing took on my body. And my mind. And my heart & soul. Sitting around makes me lazy and not happy. I’ve gained almost all, if not all, of the weight I had lost pre-ankle/knee surgery. I’ve gained back the weight I lost after gaining some after surgery and recovery. I’ve done even more sitting around.
Do nothing. Do nothing. Gain weight. Feel the weight. Move less. Become more miserable. Move less. What a yucky cycle.

I’ve been doing it all wrong.

And because I’ve been doing it all wrong, I feel out of control. And its not just about fitness levels and weight loss or lack of loss. Its not just about food and choices I’ve made. I’m sure my work has suffered. I’m sure my family has suffered. I’m sure I’ve suffered unnecessarily because of my inability to learn and move on. Self-inflicted stress.

I’ve been doing it all wrong.
I stopped listening.
I stopped learning.
I stopped loving.
I stopped mending.

I’ve been doing it all wrong.
But now that I know it, I can change it.
I can start listening again.
I can start learning again.
I can start loving again.
I can start mending again.

I can and I WILL.

Too much thinking

Between here and there, jennifer, the only thing that matters is what you think, from now ’til then.

Choices, choices, choices –
    The Universe

I think the universe has been trying to tell me something….like….”hey dummy, you think too much. Knock it off. Go DO something. Anything.”
Actually, it might be that tiny voice inside me that has been calling me a dummy.

I have been stuck in a battle of over-analysis paralysis.
I have doing way too much thinking and very little doing.
Just when I had wrapped my head around just getting up and doing, I caught one nasty little cold bug. Instead of taking a few days off from school when I first felt sick, I worked harder. There was so much to do. I went to school every day for two weeks wishing I had stayed home in bed. I was tired and sick and getting sicker. It was just a cold. Who takes time off for a little sniffle?!?
Because my classes couldn’t go on without me. Because I has so much work to do. Because it takes so much extra effort to plan for a day out of school. Yep, who do I think I am?!?
So I fought through a chest cold that continued to get worse while I went to school. After almost two weeks of fighting it, I took two days off school. The week before Winter Break is notoriously crazy at school and I did not want a substitute in my class. But I rested.
Three weeks into this sickness and I might just finally be getting better. I’m not 100% but I’m well enough to want to be better and to want to do things.
Being sick has humbled me. The steps at school take my breath away. Doing anything…and I mean anything, even washing a sink of dishes, left me exhausted. After a full day at school I required a nap. Preparing for Christmas was a slow process but luckily Winter Break started early enough to let me be slow.
I’ve enjoyed the holidays with my family and friends I consider family. I survived all the cooking, eating, drinking, and cleaning. I’ve rested and recovered to a point I’m ready to start moving.
I’m more than ready to move on from being sick. Of course, my chest may have other ideas. My chest still has that tight feeling where too much movement makes it hard to breathe.
Coming back from being sick….
Coming back from gaining almost all/all of the weight I had lost….
Coming back to my blog and putting it all out there again….
…
Is a very humbling experience.
I feel as though I am back at the beginning. Physically, I am at the same point when I started this journey to weight loss. Mentally, I’ve had my ups and downs but i feel strong and smart. I’m ready to go back and starts from square one. However, I do get to start with the knowledge I have gained over the last few years. I just have to start at the beginning AND keep all that knowledge working.

To stay strong I need:
*to do what is fun
*to start small and build
*to not compare what I am doing and the progress I am making with what anyone else is doing!
*to be honest with myself
*blog a few times a week…this is my journal and I need to remember to use it as just that.
*have fun and move every day!

The time for too much thinking is coming to a close.
OK, a zebra can’t change its stripes and I know I will over think but as long as I keep moving it will all be OK!