Crying at yin

Last night I went back to yin yoga. I took a two week break after my car accident. The first week after the car accident, I wasn’t up for class and the second week it was just very difficult juggling my doctors appointments, Q’s physical therapy, work and school with one vehicle. And to be honest, after my accident I was not comfortable driving the truck. I drive a little Hyundai that could probably fit in the bed of my husband’s pickup truck.
Back to last night…
I was late leaving school. It happens sometimes but yesterday, it made me a bit edgy. Feeling jumpy, I thought maybe a hot shower would release some stress and it did its job. For a short period of time. As the clock drew closer to 5pm or the time I should be ready to walk out of my house, I could feel nerves starting to jump again.
I didn’t really want to go to yoga. I didn’t want to drive back over to Ventnor. More, I didn’t want to drive home from Ventnor where three weeks prior I had my car accident.
I got in the car and drove to class more white knuckled than I’d like to admit. I drove slow and I left my house late so I arrived at class 5 minutes late. I forced myself out of my car, into the building, up the stair and into the classroom. I found a nice spot in the back corner and I quickly set up my mat. I almost did not go into class. I almost chickened out.

One of the first poses of the evening was cow face pose. I tried to get into this pose and realized it was not gonna happen. I tried to fond a comfortable modification but I could not. I felt defeated and broken and fat. My body was not comfortable, my head was not comfortable, and my soul was not comfortable. Sometime during this pose, I felt tears burning my eyes. We switched sides, then added the arms, and by the second side arms, I was full blown crying and trying to not blubber and snot all over myself. We moved on to different poses but I never found my happy place. That place where my brain turns off and I feel the release of the pose. If you have never tried yin yoga, you melt into and stay in the poses for 3-5 minutes.
Letting go is big part of yin. I was so uptight throughout my yin class. At one point I actually checked my watch to see how much time was left in class. and blissfully, as if the teacher read my mind, we moved into heart lung bench pose. This is one of my favorite yin poses. And it was a precursor to corpse or svasana aka the end.
I’ve loved yin from the very first class over a year ago. Last night’s class was difficult and emotional. My body didn’t want to move into or stay in the poses. My neck, shoulders and lower back  have not been happy happy nice my car accident but I didn’t know just how much that bothered me until last night. Driving home, I kept thinking I should just quit yoga. My body is not designed for yoga. I can’t do it, I can’t do it right so why bother.
I’m no good at yoga.
My body is no good.
My mind swirled with these thoughts. I thought I would think about it all night long. But I walked into my house to the smell of dinner and my husband and daughter sitting at the table waiting for me. They make it easy to forget the touch stuff.
But only for so long.
Not long after dinner, I was feeling very emotional. Then came the headache and neck pain. I took some advil and iced my neck but the pressure never really released. This upset me because it was just one more sign if my body hating me. Yep, that’s where my head was last night.
Today, I’m feeling a bit more rational but not a whole lot less emotional. I hoped journaling this out would make me feel better. It did but I’m still not sure what to do. I’m going to sit with the emotions for a while.

 

My Take…..#HWW (Healthy Weight Week)

A few days ago on Facebook I came across the picture posted above.

I have dieted before and I suck at it. I probably started dieting before I was ten years old. You see, my mom was always on a diet when I was a kid. Always. And she always threw herself head first into these diets. If pineapple was the latest and greatest in diet trends, my mom put pineapple in everything. Looking back, I realize my mom was hungry and that is why she snapped easily and spoke in harsh tones degrading words.
Often fat and stupid were said to me at the same time. I thought there was something wrong with me. I also thought I was fat and stupid. I’ve since learned that my mom was a very young, single mom and she was always dieting therefore always hungry. I have learned I’m not a nice person when I’m hungry. I’m not letting my mom off the hook but I am 35 (almost 36) years old and I’m not going to continue to blame my mommy. My daughter’s grandmother is so not the same woman that raised me. They may look alike but the grandmother version has cooled her tongue.
Growing up u never thought I was good enough. I always thought I was fat and there was something wrong with me. I wish I could go back and tell me teenage self how awesome I am. I can’t do that but there are things I can do.
I canstop dieting. Actually, I pretty much have stopped dieting. I still need to work on the diet mentality but I’ve made some progress here. I have been on a food elimination for 20 days but for the first time ever this elimination is all about healing my (itchy) body not losing weight.
I can stop hating on my body. So what if I have gained back almost 60 pounds. After I hurt my knee and subsequently needed surgery on my knee and ankle, I lost all my confidence. I let fear and insecurity creep into my head and heart. Not only have I hated on my fat but my injuries. I realize I have been hating on my body for failing me when I should have been at my strongest. I was one week out from my second half marathon and my knee injury sidelined me. I don’t think I’ve fully gotten over it. I am sure that is why it was so important to set a goal of a marathon and just as easy to dismiss that goal when training was too hard.
I want my body to work. When I diet, I am especially hard on my body. I am especially hard on my (perceived) failures and flaws. When I diet, all I see are the negatives. When I diet I lose weight but I gain it all back. When I diet I am so focused on the number on the scale, I am not what I would consider healthy. Not dieting and eating crap is not healthy either and I’m realizing I have been doing that partly as a form of punishment to my broken body parts.
I try really hard to not call myself or my body parts fat. I don’t want my Q to think like I think. I want her to see beauty in every body. Hell, I see beauty in every body but I have a hard time seeing it me. I worry all the time my insecurities could rub off on Q.
Today I was given a gift. Proof that I’m doing OK by my beautiful, smart, sassy, smart daughter (remind me of this next week when she rolls her eyes and is driving me crazy) liked a picture on Facebook.

She liked this picture. I think she gets it. Did I mention she’s smart?!? Don’t tell her but I am always learning from her.
No more dieting or body hating for me. I am awesome. The only improvement I need is to fix whatever is causing me to itch. And that gremlin I have living in my belly.
I want to feel better. And I want to live a long life. A long, healthy, active life. I want to be like Betty White or my next door neighbor…. 90-something and still moving and grooving. I want to move and groove into my nineties. I want to harass love on my kid and her kids (in about 15-20 years) and their kids.

I don’t know how to measure all that awesomeness on a scale. Do you?
I don’t think I want too much out of life. I do need to be healthier and more active with more consistency but I don’t need to let that turn into a battle with the scale. I hate how dieting makes me feel. So I’m not going to do it.

I have a plan. But that is a post for another day. Stay tuned. I will post about this plan in a day or two.

slowing my roll

I see sparkles and I get excited!

I see a challenge and I get excited!

My friends get excited and I get excited for them!

I am a joiner, a people pleaser, and a yesser.

I agree to things, I join things, I jump on bandwagons.

I get SO EXCITED! I scream from the rooftops making HUGE announcements of GRAND plans….and then I do good with said grand plan…for about 5 minutes before something comes up causing me to miss a day. I can’t miss a day when I am doing an EVERY day challenge. OR I can’t miss a day when I am training for something big.

Because that one day I missed means I am a failure.

 

I am FINALLY starting to realize just how fucked up this behavior is; its absolutely detrimental to my success and to my mental state.

And its been a cycle I have been in for too long!

When I made the HUGE announcement to run a marathon, I thought I would finally break this cycle…

well I didn’t really start training because I couldn’t get my head in the right space to want to run/walk more than 5 miles. So I started skipping training runs. I felt like a huge failure. So I just stopped going to the gym.

Then someone – on twitter or facebook – mentioned New Rules of Lifting for Women. I had started this program last year and I loved it. But I didn’t complete it. I think I started it too soon after my surgery and my mind and body were not ready.  My calf was hurting too much to continue and then my gym membership ran out.

I am not doing this program again to redeem myself from previous failure. I started it again because of the structure it provided. No clueless looking around the gym trying to figure out what to do next.  Then when I actually got in the gym and re-started the NROLFW program I remembered how much I liked it!! I get sweaty and read and sore. AND I LOVE IT! I look forward to going to the gym. My husband says now that I am lifting, I get pissy when I don’t get to the gym regularly.

I have actually been working through the NROLFW program for about 3 months. I completed Stage 1, adding extra workouts in to really work on my form and I am on the second workouts in Stage 2. I did not make my usual grand announcement. I joined a FB group for support and advice on things like form.

I stopped talking about what I was going to do and just did what I wanted to do!

I realized:

and I need to just:

I am breaking my cycle,

slowing my roll!

I will continue doing what makes me happy. I will still blog…maybe more often than I have recently, but I was making my workouts a priority. Something had to give and blogging took a big old backseat.

I have embraced the word’s of Walt Disney and I got started!!

Sometimes we all need a little reminder

I know I did!!

Do you need this reminder?

I am not a runner…..

And that is OK!

Its really OK!

Carla posted a picture the other day….a picture of our tribe. I believe the picture was take right before the early morning run of the first fitbloggin. I looked at that picture, then I went and found each year’s fitbloggin group picture. Wow! Our tribe has grown. The fitbloggin’ tribe is awesome and diverse – with many, many different areas of focus. Within this community you can find blogs on healthy living, weight loss, self acceptance, self love, runners, cross fitters, yogis, walkers, hikers, bikers, swimmers and I am sure I am missing some. Pretty diverse huh?!? Sometimes, in this huge group of awesome and talented and fit people, I feel very overwhelmed. And its SO easy to get swept up in their excitement.  If I think back to when I trained for my first (and only) half marathon, I realize I got swept up in the online running excitement. My friends at Shrinking Jeans had just done a half marathon with Team in Training and there were lots of, “if I can do this anyone can” sentiments flying about the interwebs. I didn’t really like running in high school but I thought I could do it.

And I did it!! I completed a half marathon. I used the Jeff Galloway method of run/walk/run and I rocked it! Well, I finished it and that means I rocked it! But I was tired and HURTING!

And I took a long time off running.

Then I planned and trained for two more half marathons. I didn’t even start either of these halfs (injury, surgery, recovery, you know the story….but if you don’t, just ask) and I am not sure I ever got over this. I say this because when my one year from surgery rolled around, I decided I had to do a full marathon. It would be on the two year anniversary of my surgery and it would be my chance to redeem myself for the two halfs I did not even get to start.

I recently made the decision to NOT run a marathon.

I realize I was reacting emotionally. I was once again getting caught up in the excitement. And, watching your friends hit PRs really is exciting. I wanted to run and be part of  that awesome club. But when it came down to the training, I was getting panicky. When I would run (well, run/walk/run) I was hitting 3-4 miles and it was HARD but I was enjoying it. Well, I was enjoying it until I started thinking about the long runs. Anything over 5 miles was making me panicky. I started to dread each and every run.

Self-doubt, fear, and worry crept in and running was no longer fun.

I realize I need to do what makes me happy.

I need to do the fitness activities I want to do.

I want to lift weights! I want to practice yoga!

I want to get in shape where I can play volleyball.

I want to have fun and be fit!

I want to be fit and an inspiration.

But if I can’t inspire myself to be consistent, how can inspire anyone else?!?

I am not a runner and I am ok with just being me!

 

don’t you want to look better?

A post workout selfie!!

Last week, before the great allergy sickness took hold, I was at the gym after school on a Monday afternoon. It was a planned lifting day on lifting days I start with anywhere from 5-15 minutes on the elliptical. I love my time on the elliptical! Call me crazy but I like it! I also use the elliptical or treadmill on non-lifting days to get in extra movement because I sit way too much!

Well, anyway back to last week. I use the elliptical warm up time to warm up, braid/tie up my hair, check in on Facebook, look over my workout(when I lift, I usually bring my paper log ini with me) and then I peek around the gym to see what’s what. So, I’m doing my normal elliptical routine when one of the trainers comes up to talk. He’s nice, introduces himself and shakes my hand and tells me he’s one of the new trainers here at the gym.
Side note: I had a hard time not laughing at this boy and saying duh. He was wearing the black tank top ALL the trainers at the gym wear…it has bright yellow lettering.
I’m starting to feel this cold coming on so I’m sorta in a snarky mood so I say, “let me guess, you’re going to tell me how you have the answer and I should let you train me.”
“You’re going to tell me how you want it get me off this cardio machine and lifting weights, right?!?”
Trainer boy (I forget his name so he will be TB) smirked, he knew I had him. To be fair to him, he’s the second new trainer that has hit me up while I was cardio-ing. Nothing about either of these trainers instill any confidence that they can help me. They all want to get gym member to sign up for their FITX class or personal training hours. I am currently working my own plan but to be fair I asked TB what he could do for me that I couldn’t do myself.
He asks me, “don’t you want to look better?”
I responded before I could think with, “I already look awesome.”
I shocked myself with my response. I have mulled my statement over for the last week. I took the last week off from the gym recovering from my sickness (allergies or cold or both, who knows….sickness) and I haven’t been back or really active. But I have thought about that conversation with TB.
So I shocked myself….but is there truth in my statement?
Do I believe I look awesome?
Truth is…sometimes.
Do I believe I am awesome?!?
hell yeah! I am awesome!

I need to do some more work with what this all means. But I am awesome. Most days I believe it. Could I put more effort? Sure. But I have noticed that the more I take care of me, the more awesome I feel.
I am sure a trainer looks at me and sees an overweight women schlepping thru cardio. I must need your help to get skinny and happy. I guess to trainers at the gym I look like a dollar sign….because I must want to look better…..why else would I be at the gym?!?

I must look good….my husband is forever chasing me around trying to “get some.”
Funny, it took a rude question from a stranger for to realize I already know the answer

I already look good!!
I already look better!!

So do you!!!

I’m back baby

you may have noticed I was missing!

Well, I wasn’t missing missing. I knew where I was the whole time!! and if you follow me on instagram and/or facebook and/or twitter you have probably seen my smiley face pop up here and there. I was only missing from my blog. I have been in the process of moving my blog to a self-hosted platform. And since I am not tech-savvy at all, my awesome friend Karen stepped in and helped me. But before she did, I stopped adding new stuff….I could have posted but I let myself enjoy some time off.

While I was on this impromptu blog hiatus, I did some much needed me work in the gym. I have been working on finding my rhythm, finding my consistency and I think I found it…at least in the gym anyways. Don’t ask about other areas of my life….

’cause seriously,

I’m a hotmess!!

But I’m working on that…not changing it, but rather being ok with it!

I have a TON I want to blog about and I will blogging more regularly…seriously, I can’t pay for self-hosting and then not blog. Which, is also my logic with the gym…I paid for a 6-month membership so I better use the gym for all my money’s worth.

So, what I have been up to in the last month?!?

I am so glad you asked!!

And you will get the bullet point version of what I have been doing with myself:

• I didn’t get the attic completely clean, but its WAY more organized. I am purging and have created keep & sell & throw away piles….I was planning on participating in a yard sale but the date was not good…because I will be in Maryland participating in my first ever Warrior Dash!
• oh yea, I signed up for a Warrior Dash. I will be heading down to Maryland on May 17th. I will be having a grownup slumber party with my bestie Heather before we warrior dash. I am stoked for this event!! A weekend with my bestie…and my first Warrior Dash….oh yeah, I am a tad excited!!
• I did NOT complete Stage 1 of NROLFW (New Rules of Lifting For Women) but I did continue. I added in a few extra workouts to this stage to work on my form for dead lifts and squats. I am still lifting and loving it more than ever!
• I finished my 7-week Yin Yoga class! I LOVED this form of yoga. This class really helped me find the mind-body connection I have heard so much about.
• I decided NOT to train for and run/walk the Philadelphia marathon.
• I stopped weighing myself obsessively. In fact, the last time I stepped on the scale was April 1st.
• I have decided to stop dieting and truly start living!
• I realized I need to stop STOP the insanity!!! I do not do well with EVERY DAY challenges, you know the ones…pick any activity and DO IT every day….every time I sign on to these challenges, I miss a day and then feel so badly about it. Then I make it worse by not doing said activity again. Vicious cycle.
• I am sure I am missing a TON of stuff I have done since I last I blogged but I am sure its the normal mundane living stuff and I don’t want to bore myself with that so I really won’t bore you.

As you can see, I have kept myself busy. I am still working on me but I am changing my approach and my perspective. I am working on following and living my blog title…yanno…listening, learning, loving and mending!!

I’m back baby!!

and I am going to find a blogging pattern because I also realized just how much I enjoy and need my blogging. It truly is a place for my to journal and work through some of my thoughts, feelings, emotions. I am a hotmess but as long as I am moving I am making progress.

So here’s to progress!

Did you miss me?!?

Back to Comfortable

At this moment, I have one pair of jeans that fit and really they are too tight. Well, they were too tight. I still wore them but these jeans were TIGHT. I needed to shimmy into them and suck in my belly to button and then I’d be uncomfortable all day.
The other day I was getting ready for work and I just pulled the jeans on. There was no tugging or sucking in of the belly or shimmying. The jeans just went on.
And they were comfortable.
I rode in a coworker’s car for 35 minutes.
I sat/stood in 4 hours of meetings. Then I sat and ate lunch. And then I rode back home in same coworker’s car.
And my jeans were comfortable.
Now. Those jeans were off almost as soon as I got home but I had no irritated red line around the waist. I could have worn my jeans much longer. But I prefer jammie/lounge pants when I’m home! 😉

I’m rather thrilled with this revelation!! And I know most of my recent weight loss and lost inches have ALL to do with how great I have been eating. Next goal is to increase activity levels and get there jeans to be TOO big!

SuperStorm Sandy blew into town….

Today was my first day back to school after the storm. Seriously, this was a HUGE storm but our governor was so on top of things. We were under house arrest Sunday, Monday and part of Tuesday. My neighborhood was without power for 30ish hours. SuperStorm Sandy cause a lot of damage, A LOT, only a few miles from my house over on the barrier islands.  I know we lucked out big time. That being said it was rainy, windy and cold. Two different storm systems met and combined with high tides and full moon, it was nasty.  There was a travel ban so no leaving the house until Tuesday. We had no power until Tuesday late night.

Wednesday was for recovery and return to normal and clean up from the mess. We lost a few shingles off our roof (we still have to get someone on the roof to truly assess the damage, we hope not a lot) and had some water in the basement (old house, basement gets water) and we lost power. And I have a 90-pound princess with four legs and she happens to have no problem with  the rain. Many, towels and blankets to be washed. And many mud prints and just plain dirt to be picked up, wiped up or vaccumed up. Now, I know I am a hot mess in the kitchen, but dang, I made a mess finishing my chicken dinner in the dark (that could probably be its own blog post, but you know the power went out as soon as dinner was in the oven).

I cleaned a lot in this little house of mine yesterday.

Then school today.

I am so tired.

And self-realizations

I think handling the storm and lack of power would have been easier if I was more consistent in my physical activity. Scratch that. I know it would be easier if I was already in a routine. Right now, I am sporadic at best. That changes RIGHT NOW. After I post this, I am going to do some yoga before bed!!
It also, couldn’t hurt if I was more consistent in my good eating. No wheat for me. I am convinced I feel better mentally and sort of physically lighter when I don’t eat wheat and sweets. I was starting to get a grip on this. When we lost power, I sort of lost control of my eating. Total anxiety eating, But prior to losing power I was not eating out of stuck-in-house-boredom. So the storm is over and I have no need for anxious eating. I will have an apple for dessert! I do have some yummy honey crisps!!

I realize I handle anxiety and stress so much better when I am eating better and working out regularly. I even see a connection between my scatterbrainedness and distractedness. When I eat right and work out, I tend to stay on task easier. I tend to do one thing at a time instead of starting 6 things before I finish one.

Know when I realized all this…when I finally made myself throw in a yoga dvd after a long day of cleaning.

 

AwesomER Jen Challenge!! 

So, October is over and I made GREAT strides towards my goals.

• I logged my food and activity 27 of 31 days (not bad since 2 of those days I was without power…HA).
• I moved more – not very strictly every day for 30 minutes, but I was more conscious of moving. This month, I get in even more of a swing in the physical fitness area of life…more on this in a post coming your way very soon!
• I stopped myself from thinking negative thoughts about myself. I am a work in progress and while I want to make changes, I in no way hate myself and I need to be nicer to myself. In fact, my new motto with myself is “talk to myself the way I would talk to my BFF” (except I don’t really have a BFF unless you count AJ and he is but that sounds so corny)

Guess what?!?

 

I am not done being AwesomER!

I still have work to do!

I am READY for the work!

HELL, I am looking forward to the work.

I have BIG dreams.

And AwesomER is only the beginning!!

scared panda

Here I am sitting down to write a recap to fitbloggin and the moments, feelings, and hugs all blur in my mind.

I have been thinking a lot about my two favorite sessions at fitbloggin: self-acceptance and when you have a lot to lose. I cried at both of these sessions. I cried a big, ugly cry. But at both I felt so open, raw, receptive, scared, frustrated, and humbled. And amazed at how many people could make me feel understood. These people got it. They were able to give me words for the feelings I could not express. How did they know what was in my head?!?

One thing that is sticking out in my mind, and has been replaying over and over in my head, is hearing Meegan admit since her injury she has lost her confidence.
I know this feeling.
Only I didn’t know it. I have not been myself in months and months. And if I am being honest, I lost my confidence when I hurt my knee last year. Prior to injury, I felt like I was on top ofthe world. I was running pretty consistently. My eating was good enough to fuel my runs and keep weight under control. I don’t even know what I weighed back then but I knownI felt good.

I lost all confidence in myself and my body. I am afraid of things I should not do not want to be afraid of. I am afraid of things I do not even want to admit. I actually admitted a few of these feelings to Heather and Kyra when we walked around the Harbor.

I am scared of working hard and nothing changing.

I am scared of the changes.

And honestly…

I am scared to death about the end result – I don’t exactly know – I dont want to lose the life I have – I love my husband and I don’t want to change so much that he doesnt love me – totally irrational, since my husband has been supportive and encouraging of absolutely everything I have ever done to improve myself and he has been like that since the day we met. In my rational mind, I know my husband and I will grow through all of our changes but my irrational mind lives a nagging voice of fear. What if everything changes? What if these changes are not good for everyone? What if  it is too much? What if the changes are not enough?

What if I am not enough?

Heather and Kyra listened to most of this mind dump and that is the first time I said those thoughts out loud. I hate that I think those thoughts. But saying them out loud with good friends over a cup of Pink Lemonade Water Ice helped me.  It really does make a world of difference when you say things out loud.

I don’t want to be scared.

I don’t want to stay the same because I am afraid of the unknown future.

I have to live this life!!

I want to like everything about me!

I want to know the girl smiling back at me in a picture is really me!

I want to be me, but the best version of me.

I am scared of wanting too much.

I am scared I don’t deserve what I want.

And I am conflicted, because part of me KNOWS I deserve it but there is still a small part of me that doesn’t.

I hate this conflict.

seeing myself in pictures

*This is not the post I set out to write! This started as a fitbloggin recap….

 

I smile in all my pictures.

I am happy until I look at said picture.

And I see my huge arms, double chin, big belly, thunder thighs, etc. If I am smiling in the pictures, my eyes almost disappear.

Wait, what?!?

Why do I think things like this?!?

I actually like myself. I have a good time and I have fun in the moments. In those awesome moments, I don’t even think about what I am going to look like in the picture. I simply enjoy the moments.

But when I look at the pictures of myself, in those happy moments, I nitpick my supposed flaws.

WHY DO I FUCKING DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?

I had a bit of an emotional meltdown (or two or ten) at Fitbloggin. One was during the amazing Self-Acceptance discussion led by Karen, Mara, and Shauna. I don’t even know where to begin, I was listening to everyone’s stories and I felt the first few tears slip from my eyes. Then my cheeks were totally wet and I could barely see through my tears. Before I knew it, I was full on ugly crying.

I am so conflicted – on one hand I LOVE myself. I am a great person with a big heart. I could go on to tell you all the ways I think I am wonderful, but I am not that kind of person. Just know, I know I am awesome.

I DO NOT believe that my outside if awesome.  But I don’t hate myself or the way I look until I look at a picture of myself. Or look in the mirror.

 

Last night I wanted to get started on a fitbloggin recap so I started to look for pics on twitter. (I was terrible and took very few pics with my camera)

I started looking at the pictures and after seeing my smile, I noticed my flaws.

Then ALL I SAW were my flaws.

Then I tweeted….I put it out in the universe…and my friends responded….and I cried.

I need to see myself the way my husband and friends see me. Why can’t I ??

I realized this is broken thinking.

I don’t want to be broken. I want to like me, inside and out, in person and in pictures.

THE NEGATIVE SELF-TALK AND SELF-THOUGHTS HAVE TO STOP!!

photo source

I am not sure where to go from here or how to make it easier or better but I need to be nicer to me. I am still conflicted as to how, because I do like myself but not the way I look….does this make sense? I know I am not perfect and I don’t want to be perfect, but I would like to be able to look at myself in the mirror or in pictures and not hate everything I see.