I will need your help

Thursday marks the official end of my summer program.
My last official work day for summer 2012.
I may need to go in one or two days next week but not full days.
And I still have lessons to create, design and prepare for th new school year.
But for the most part, I am looking at most of August being unstructured.

I know, it should give me all the time in the world to work on myself. Plenty of time for all aspects of healthy living, right?!?! Naaah. Instead, I find ways to avoid and procrastinate. I find myself at the beach reading a book…then at home reading another book….until the days slip away with many books devoured but not much else accompllished.
I want this summer to be different!
I want to be productive on a professional and personal level. I want to start the school year with healthy habits firmly in place: physical – moving my body and eating foods that make me feel good, mental – staying on top of my work, and emotional – feeling my feelings and working through feelings.

I want blogging to be more regular because when I blog I face myself and my emotions. I hide from blogging when I don’t want to face the truth. I like blogging. I like this place, it is a place I have used to explore and discover ME.
I found a bloggity challenge designed to make me blog every day and since there is a list of topics I will be exploring. AND it will have the added benefit of giving me something I “have to do” everyday. Janice came up with a perfect and brilliantly timed challenge.
I may have to add a section at the end of each day’s post with my activities of day or previous day depending on what time I decide to blog.

 

I am hoping blogging daily will help me reinforce some of the healthy living habits that I tend to get lazy about when I have too much time on my hands.

But I still need help….will you keep an eye on me? Will you use tweet or facebook or blog comments to ask me what I am doing and if I have exercised today?

 

I don’t want August to slip away. I want August to be AMAZINGLY AWESOME!

Will you help me?

emotional, hormonal and achy

I knew I was gonna have a gain this week. It was an emotionally and hormonally charged week. Work was crazy (summer schedule is only one month long and the weeks go FAST) and I got my period – both of which left me wanting to eat everything in sight.

Unfortunately, I let myself do it.

The non-stop eating included pasta, bread and brownies to name a few.

I have been so good at controlling the sweet-toothed bitch that lives inside my ovaries.

We don’t need a rehashing of my transgressions….

needless to say,

I gained 1.2 pounds this week when I went to Weight Watchers.

I knew it was gonna happen.

I deserve every but of it.

I did not track. I must at least journal when I eat.

I ate a lot of crap. I had a belly ache to prove it. side note, I think something I ate is a trigger for some sort of IBS issues.   I have had way too many belly ache issues lately. Journal/tracking will also help me see any patterns between foods and belly issues.

I knew I was going to gain but I went anyway.

I had an excuse to skip WW this week. My mom needed me to help her clean changeovers on Saturday when I am usually at my WW meeting. I stopped at WW for my weigh-in, knowing full well I was going to gain, on my way to my mom’s house. And then we went to clean condos for 4+hours.

Sometimes being a girl is exhausting. Emotionally draining. A sappy commercial can sting my eyes with tears. A not-what-I-wanna-hear comment from my husband can piss me off or make my cry.

And then the stupid scale reflects all the stupid non-stop eating.

*big sigh*

This whole journey is about learning and growing. This week I learned a few things:

• I need to stay away from brownies all the time but especially during period week.
• I stay away from “bad” stuff when I eat way less wheat. So, I am going to try to keep wheat to once a day consumption at the most.
•  My body and mind feel better when I yoga. I can’t believe it has taken me this long to yen for yoga. I know I need to move more, I know I feel better when I move so I know it is time for me to bite the bullet and just move more. Yoga has a way of making my frankenleg feel so good – my calf gets such a good stretch and my arch doesn’t ache if my calf is stretched enough.
• When I first started this journey, way back way, I loved walking (out on my bikepath or in my living room with my walking dvds). I think I can go right back to my walking ways. Walking can only be good. In fact, I picked up a playaway audiobook from my library to test out on my walks. I have plenty of walking dvds and there a bunch on-demand. 30 minutes, most days, I just have no excuse.
• While I have other equipment (ugi, resistance bands, kettlebells), I don’t need to do everything all at once. I am just going to concentrate on yoga and walking. I am not worried about what time of day I do either as long as I do one or both each day.
• Tomorrow is a new day. A new chance to figure out how to make it all work for me. A new day to make good choices.

I should probably go to bed.

 

Finding my Happy Fit

It is no big secret, I bave been struggling to find my way in the fitness world since my surgery. I joined gym and I started lifting weights. I also hit the elliptical pretty hard, up to an hour several times a week. It was too much too soon and my calf let me know. I rested by totally resting.
All
Injury
Surgery
Recovery
All
Nothing

I have always been all or nothing.
But I am working on that.
I am really working on it!

I have the food stuff sorta figured out. Like everything else, I am a work in progress, but I feel like I am taking control of food and my eating rather than the other way around. I have even been losing a little bit of weight – slow and steady, like a turtle. I won’ t lie to you or myself and say it is always easy or there is never a binge, but I will say I am feeling happy with my progress. In the grand scheme, I am happy where I am.

I have to remember I am happiest when I am true to myself. In the social media world we live in, it is easy to get caught up in what everyone else is doing. It is easy to get caught up in their excitement and even easier to want to be part of that excitement. I have tried many things because someone in my tribe was raving about it – running, weight lifting, and even morning workouts.
I am not so much good in the morning.
And I am not ready to run again.
But that doesn’t mean I can give up on finding my fitness!
For now, I am stepping back from the hardcore.
I am stepping back from my crazy need to be part of the group…I know I can do my own thung and my friends will still be there for me.
I can find my fitness without making myself crazy. Maybe if I’m lucky, my fitness will keep me sane. For now, I am enjoying my yoga streak. I feel like I am working my muscles but I am also working my heaad, heart and body connection.

Last night, I looked at my husband and said, “we need to take this dog for a walk.” And we did. And husband told me, if I initiate it, he will walk with me and Lucy. I can be in charge of this, it is goid for all of us! And it is one more of fitting in fitness not forcing it!
Plus, I do have a cute walking partner!

mind dump

Warning: hormonal ramblings/rantings ahead! I need to clear my head and I may need to look back at this as a reminder in the future.

 

I am stressed.

And it’s all about money.

There is never enough.

We are lucky, Big Man is working again (at least part time) and we are digging our way out of the hole, but it sucks. Some days it sucks more than others. Today, it sucks real bad.

I am so conflicted.

On one hand, I know how lucky we are. I do know how good we have it. That would be rational practical Jen. She understands that we can pay our bills, we have a safe rood over our heads, we have delicious and healthy food on our table, and we have a great relationship (yep, all 3 of us, even the teen).

On the other hand, I want to be able to do things without “figuring” it out. That would be Wants It All/Now Jen. Let’s just say, she is quite grumpy that practical Jen always wins out.

Enough of that, I am not good at writing in crazy person. 

I have to be honest, there is a tiny part of me that really wants to throw a hissy fit. I work hard why is it such a struggle to get ahead. It just isn’t fair! Yep, I said it…and I know, I know…life ain’t fair. But today is just one of those days where I want to stomp my feet and throw a hissy fit.

Instead, I blog. It feels good to get this gunk out of my head. I don’t blog for pity or advice – unless I ask for it, and when I need it I will ask. I am not silly enough to not ask for what I need.

Today, I needed to dump this out of my head. I am hormonal and apparently that has just made tight finances freak me out. I don’t really know why I let it get to me so much. Every year at this time, I stress about paying everything.

I think I need to work on my budget just a bit better so I don’t have to stress next year. This year IS easier than it was last year. #alwayslearning

Alright, I feel better now. I feel more clearminded. I also think I need to work on a few things that could help my purse strings.

Let’s end this post on a positive note…

Today I completed Day #7 of my yoga streak!!

 

Testing,

This is just a test.
I am testing out an app on my nook.

let’s go streaking

nope, not this kind of streaking.

let’s not even talk about the fact I am not running anywhere…

naked boobies will not be bouncing down the road. not any time soon.

But I do want to streak!

I decided the other day I wanted to make a commitment to yoga. I tweeted it, I put it on my facebook status. I talked with my friend about it. I really want to commit to yoga. I think I need to make that mind body connection. I think I have been searching to get to this place. If I let it, I know yoga can help me truly embrace my blog title: listening, learning, loving, and mending. I am not saying I think yoga is going to instantly fix my calf or my mental state but I do believe, if I am open to it, anything is possible.

Yesterday, one of my #fitfuential peeps posted a 30 minute beginner yoga practice video. I watched it through last night and I was impressed because it seemed to truly be just what it claims to be…a beginner yoga video. I have tried several beginner yoga dvds but so far, this one made me feel so at ease. So ready to learn yoga.

Today, I actually did the video.

Summer schedule is in effect and today I squeezed in some time with Big Man since he was home and the kid was at the water park with her friend. We had a nice leisurely lunch before I headed back to work. With a husband home (and I have a tiny house) and a Lucy, I knew getting quiet time for yoga might not happen so I took my mat, blanket and stretch strap with me to school. After a few hours of paperwork, yoga was very much needed because somehow, sitting at my desk filling out forms is not good for the back and I wound up with a tweak in my shoulder area. I set up my area near the tv, and since there is no AC in my room and the heat index today was over 100*F I set up a fan to blow right on my mat.

I really liked the “workout.” I don’t want to call it a workout because even though I worked up a sweat and my muscles were feeling it, it didn’t feel like a workout. I closed all the blinds in my room, shut both door, and turned the lights out. I set the stage like a real yoga class as much as I could.

It was awesome.

After 5, my building was quiet. Hot but quiet. I almost forgot where I was. I found the video challenging yet instructional and perfectly beginner friendly. I will use this video frequently, I think, while I continue with my new commitment to yoga.

I received a reply to one of my posts about making a yoga commitment about a 30-day yoga challenge. A friend of a friend did yoga in some form every day for 30 days. Simple enough but I wasn’t sure about such a commitment. That is until today. After successfully yoga-ing today, I feel more resolved to make yoga part of my daily activity. I felt so good after today and I have to see where this takes me.

So…

Today was day #1.

Tomorrow is day #2.

Let’s see how far I can take this streak.

 

So….my next question is….

do you wanna streak with me?!?

point 2

I am officially on a losing streak! I have now lost (or maintained once) every week for eight weeks straight. In those 8 weeks, I have lost 7.6 pounds. So, almost a pound each week. When I lay it all out like that, I am totally happy with the results.

I stopped making losing weight a priority and started losing weight. Crazy, right?!? I have been focusing on how I feel. And I want to feel good.

I don’t want food and food counting (points or calories or any of that stuff) to be the sole point of this journey. I want to enjoy food…I mean, seriously, I LOVE food. I love being in the kitchen cooking food, scouring pinterest for new recipes, and I really, really love eating yummy foods. Food should be fun. Not punishment. Food should not be feared.

I refuse to make food the enemy. I want to lose weight but I don’t want to do it some hung-ho-balls-to-the-wall crazy fad diet. I am not really that committed to crazy. I may be a little crazy but the good kind!

Obviously, my slow and steady and listen to my body/heart approach is working. I am eating really good and good for me foods. I am certainly not perfect with my eating but I am finally feeling in control of my eating. I have pretty much cut my wheat consumption way down – I started off trying to go completely wheat free but I quickly realized some days it is hard to feed the family spaghetti and meatballs and not have any myself. Also, a girl needs a sandwich every now and again. For the most part, I like how I feel when I eat a lot less wheat.

I think I have a good handle on the food stuff. However, I have not been really doing much on the fitness stuff. As in, I have done almost nothing on the fitness front. I am not sure what my problem with working out is, but I just can’t seem to get myself there.

Is it weird that I have no desire to sweat?

I just am not in the mind frame to go all hardcore, badass. I need to step back from the all or nothing mentality. For me badass and hardcore are just not in my best interest these days. These days, I need to take the point twos and be happy with slow, steady baby steps.

And not to contradict myself, but I am challenging myself to get into yoga. I may not want to work our but I know I need to do something. I need to make some sort of physical activity a part of my daily life but I want to take it easy. Start off slow. I know that sounds wussy, but I don’t want to fizzle. I will start by taking my dog for a walk every day. AND I want to get into yoga. I have dvds and access to a really cheap class (plus I can take 2 yoga classes at the gym before my membership runs out next month) pretty close to home.

Here’s to the next .2!

I haz a stupid fone

I was once again considering going ack to a smart phone. After last week’s storms and power outage and sitting in traffic, I thought a smart phone was….well, smart. And then I went to verizonwireless.com and saw their new plan. It turns out I would need to spend almost $50 more each month for their new and improved plan.

I debated back and forth. I kept looking at this pretty phone. Did I mention this phone was purple?!? I wanted this phone, I wanted to play with the apps….but I didn’t want to spend more $$ on a phone.

I just want to be able to play when I am not near wifi. Like when I am in traffic and husband is driving, like when we travel…ummm….like 2-3 times a year. I don’t go anywhere and when I do go out of the house, I don’t always have to be connected. And y’all know I love me some social media.

But I think….

I have been too connected to my computer and my peeps.

I know….

I have not been connected enough with myself.

I am slowly coming to the realization that I just want to slow down. I feel like I need more time for myself. My family. My life.

Don’t get me wrong, I love social media. Twitter is where it all started – I found friends, real friends. Blogging is a lifeline. I need this space to get out of my own head. When I am feeling good and doing good (not just on the losing weight front, but the mental health aspect too) I blog more often. Or maybe because I am blogging more, I am doing better. Maybe blogging really is my therapy. I love that people read my blog but I do blog for me.

I love my friends. Online and in real life. I am lucky to have so many fabulous people in my world.

I just need a bit of a break.  Not a total, cold turkey, no twitter or facebook diet….that is just nuts. But a less frequent or obsessive approach couldn’t be a bad thing.

So, no smart phone for me.

Instead, I will work on finishing what I start. AND I will continue taking care of and doing what’s best for me !!

So, if I am less than present online….still love me, ok?!?

😉

 

what’s best for me

I don’t always do what is best for me. Really, truly. I watch too much tv. In fact, I spend way too much time on my butt. I don’t want to have to workout and that leads me to not stay consistent in my work outs. I am still getting my head back in “the game” but coming out of the last round of funkyfunkhead has been harder than I expected.

I was going strong at the gym but I wasn’t really eating the way I should have been eating. I was using lifting as an excuse to eat a bit too much. Then my calf started causing me problems and I haven’t been able to completely get that under control. I needed to step back from the lifting and ellipticalling I was doing. Somehow, in my head, that translated into me doing nothing. I mean nothing. No working out, no taking care of my calf, no nothing.

At the same time, I think I have gotten my eating under control. I joined WW a while back but I hadn’t been seeing any results. When June 1st rolled around, I joined a weightloss challenge with Shrinking Jeans, and I decided to pay attention to my eating. I also decided to eliminate most of the wheat from my diet. Eliminating wheat must have been a good thing because I have lost 7 pounds since and I have really, really been conscious of what I eat. I think that has been the best part about wheat elimination, I pay so much more attention and choose much better foods.

So now, I have the eating under control. Not perfect but making progress. But, the other side of the coin…the moving, the exercise side….is not under control. I don’t want to go to the gym. I don’t know why but I have no desire to go to the gym. However, that shouldn’t be a reason not to do any sort of physical activity.

I don’t want to be badass….I thought I did, but I don’t. I don’t want to compete against anyone else. I know, I know it isn’t supposed to be a competition but somehow, I try to keep up with the joneses so to speak. I don’t want to do what everyone else is doing just because, I want to find my perfect imperfect fitness. I simply want my body to be able to move for a long time coming.

I would like a flatterish belly and maybe thighs that don’t rub together so much, but I really just want the body I have to last me for a good long, long time.

Now that I have some sort of control with the food side of this journey, it is time to get my body moving and grooving. I am not going to put ridiculous expectations on myself…this, right here is growth!! I simply need to move MORE.

I may not always do what is best for me, but I am working on it. And I have a plan…well, I am stealing my plan from Red because she has a really solid plan for getting back to it while still taking care of ourselves. Red had a terrible accident about the same week as my surgery and we both seem to be struggling with moving on but gently and loving.

1. Keep going to WW and getting on the scale. It gives me more accountability and less stress to keep WW for scale/weigh-ins.

Step 2. Track, journal, write it all down. I have been less than 100% with tracking and I need to be much better about this – to figure out what works best, I need to actually see what I have been consuming.

Step 3. Move MORE. Not too hard to do since I haven’t really been moving a whole lot. I deleted my old dailymile account – I felt too much pressure to keep with friends and where I was before injury and surgery. I am thinking about starting new dailymile so I can track my walking. I need to walk more that is for sure and I do like the maps.

Step 4. Blog more. I have not been incredibly consistent with my blogging and I really would like to be. Blogging does help my sanity. It also keeps me from hiding when things get too tough.

Step 5. Relax. Ok, I kinda got this one down pat! 😉 But I need to relax not mold my ass into the couch. So for me, this one is about getting some shit done but not going one extreme or other as is my usual habit. I will use this step to gently get back in the routine or working, doing house stuff, doing me stuff, and just relaxing without technology (my laptop has become a permanent fixture lately and I want to change this).

 

I don’t always do what is right for me. I don’t always do what is best for me.

But I am working on changing this fact of my life.

One baby step at a time.

 

 

storms & vacations don’t mix

I didn’t blog at all last week. Instead, I busted my ass getting finishing up end-of-year paperwork and finalizing some details for my summer program. I had to work extra hard to get everything done by Wednesday because Thursday Big Man and I were leaving town. We had no fancy plans but we needed a few days of escape.

We had been planning this trip since mid-May when year’s end school work (finals, grades, grant writing, summer program creating) had me STRESSED. It was the perfect weekend, right before I was set to start Summer Program. Thursday morning I dropped off all my final paperwork where it belonged and we hit the road.

Me, my Big Man, and Lucy (the dog).

We left the kid with her grandmothers. We are so lucky both of our mothers are very involved and Q loves spending time with both of them.

Friday we had a fantastic day of relaxing in the mountain air. I lazed in the shade and breeze and read my books and watched some netflix. *sidenote – I LOVE my nook!! The husband and friend shot guns and did man-stuff…ha! I just wanted to enjoy my laziness that day, I wasn’t really in the mood to put on real shoes to go out shootin’ with the boys. Lucy loved all the freedom to run to her heart’s content. She had never really been off-leash other than in my tiny fenced-in yard. I threw the ball to her, daddy threw her the ball, to say Lucy was in her glory may be putting it mildly.

Saturday we got up and made our way down the mountain to a really cool “restaurant” for breakfast. After breakfast, we were heading for some antique stores when our cell phones finally got a signal and both of our cells started beeping and pinging. A friend told us our town “looked like a war zone” and they thought tornadoes had come through with the crazy storms the night before. Our whole town and most of the surrounding towns were without power. All news we got was telling us the authorities were expecting power outages for 3-7 days.

Our relaxing vacation was instantly over.

We made call after call trying to get reliable information. We also really wanted to know what was going on at our house. My MIL was able to go and check our house, open the windows and check on the cats. She even went back and emptied one of our freezers. All the while, we made arrangements to come home. We were about 3.5 hours away from home and Saturday traffic down the shore can be brutal. We monitored the traffic and weather info and packed and prepared for our trip home.

Sometimes, being a responsible grown up SUCKS.

We had to cut our trip short. All of our friends and family had been hit hard by this storm. No one had power and we couldn’t ask everyone to add our house to their burdens. We drove home. Knowing our house was ok but still not sure what we were going to find.

We truly lucked out. We had some of the neighbor’s trees in our yard and on our garage but that was damage we could handle. The house and my car were still standing where we left them. The basement was a bit waterlogged but my cats and house were ok!

My town and the neighboring towns had so much damage. Thousands of trees were uprooted and broken. Cars were crushed and power was out everywhere. We lucked out.

I have a few pictures but honestly, I was in such awe of the damage when we drove around I wasn’t fast enough with the camera. Check out this link for a run down of the storms and some pictures from my town and nearby towns. And here is a link to my local newspaper with storm info – the main pic was taken about a mile and a half from my house.

Picture from local paper, about 1.5miles from my house.