Here I am sitting down to write a recap to fitbloggin and the moments, feelings, and hugs all blur in my mind.
I have been thinking a lot about my two favorite sessions at fitbloggin: self-acceptance and when you have a lot to lose. I cried at both of these sessions. I cried a big, ugly cry. But at both I felt so open, raw, receptive, scared, frustrated, and humbled. And amazed at how many people could make me feel understood. These people got it. They were able to give me words for the feelings I could not express. How did they know what was in my head?!?
One thing that is sticking out in my mind, and has been replaying over and over in my head, is hearing Meegan admit since her injury she has lost her confidence.
I know this feeling.
Only I didn’t know it. I have not been myself in months and months. And if I am being honest, I lost my confidence when I hurt my knee last year. Prior to injury, I felt like I was on top ofthe world. I was running pretty consistently. My eating was good enough to fuel my runs and keep weight under control. I don’t even know what I weighed back then but I knownI felt good.
I lost all confidence in myself and my body. I am afraid of things I
should not do not want to be afraid of. I am afraid of things I do not even want to admit. I actually admitted a few of these feelings to Heather and Kyra when we walked around the Harbor.
I am scared of the changes.
I am scared to death about the end result – I don’t exactly know – I dont want to lose the life I have – I love my husband and I don’t want to change so much that he doesnt love me – totally irrational, since my husband has been supportive and encouraging of absolutely everything I have ever done to improve myself and he has been like that since the day we met. In my rational mind, I know my husband and I will grow through all of our changes but my irrational mind lives a nagging voice of fear. What if everything changes? What if these changes are not good for everyone? What if it is too much? What if the changes are not enough?
What if I am not enough?
Heather and Kyra listened to most of this mind dump and that is the first time I said those thoughts out loud. I hate that I think those thoughts. But saying them out loud with good friends over a cup of Pink Lemonade Water Ice helped me. It really does make a world of difference when you say things out loud.
I don’t want to be scared.
I don’t want to stay the same because I am afraid of the unknown future.
I have to live this life!!
I want to like everything about me!
I want to know the girl smiling back at me in a picture is really me!
I want to be me, but the best version of me.
I am scared of wanting too much.
I am scared I don’t deserve what I want.
And I am conflicted, because part of me KNOWS I deserve it but there is still a small part of me that doesn’t.
I hate this conflict.