scared panda

Here I am sitting down to write a recap to fitbloggin and the moments, feelings, and hugs all blur in my mind.

I have been thinking a lot about my two favorite sessions at fitbloggin: self-acceptance and when you have a lot to lose. I cried at both of these sessions. I cried a big, ugly cry. But at both I felt so open, raw, receptive, scared, frustrated, and humbled. And amazed at how many people could make me feel understood. These people got it. They were able to give me words for the feelings I could not express. How did they know what was in my head?!?

One thing that is sticking out in my mind, and has been replaying over and over in my head, is hearing Meegan admit since her injury she has lost her confidence.
I know this feeling.
Only I didn’t know it. I have not been myself in months and months. And if I am being honest, I lost my confidence when I hurt my knee last year. Prior to injury, I felt like I was on top ofthe world. I was running pretty consistently. My eating was good enough to fuel my runs and keep weight under control. I don’t even know what I weighed back then but I knownI felt good.

I lost all confidence in myself and my body. I am afraid of things I should not do not want to be afraid of. I am afraid of things I do not even want to admit. I actually admitted a few of these feelings to Heather and Kyra when we walked around the Harbor.

I am scared of working hard and nothing changing.

I am scared of the changes.

And honestly…

I am scared to death about the end result – I don’t exactly know – I dont want to lose the life I have – I love my husband and I don’t want to change so much that he doesnt love me – totally irrational, since my husband has been supportive and encouraging of absolutely everything I have ever done to improve myself and he has been like that since the day we met. In my rational mind, I know my husband and I will grow through all of our changes but my irrational mind lives a nagging voice of fear. What if everything changes? What if these changes are not good for everyone? What if  it is too much? What if the changes are not enough?

What if I am not enough?

Heather and Kyra listened to most of this mind dump and that is the first time I said those thoughts out loud. I hate that I think those thoughts. But saying them out loud with good friends over a cup of Pink Lemonade Water Ice helped me.  It really does make a world of difference when you say things out loud.

I don’t want to be scared.

I don’t want to stay the same because I am afraid of the unknown future.

I have to live this life!!

I want to like everything about me!

I want to know the girl smiling back at me in a picture is really me!

I want to be me, but the best version of me.

I am scared of wanting too much.

I am scared I don’t deserve what I want.

And I am conflicted, because part of me KNOWS I deserve it but there is still a small part of me that doesn’t.

I hate this conflict.

seeing myself in pictures

*This is not the post I set out to write! This started as a fitbloggin recap….

 

I smile in all my pictures.

I am happy until I look at said picture.

And I see my huge arms, double chin, big belly, thunder thighs, etc. If I am smiling in the pictures, my eyes almost disappear.

Wait, what?!?

Why do I think things like this?!?

I actually like myself. I have a good time and I have fun in the moments. In those awesome moments, I don’t even think about what I am going to look like in the picture. I simply enjoy the moments.

But when I look at the pictures of myself, in those happy moments, I nitpick my supposed flaws.

WHY DO I FUCKING DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?

I had a bit of an emotional meltdown (or two or ten) at Fitbloggin. One was during the amazing Self-Acceptance discussion led by Karen, Mara, and Shauna. I don’t even know where to begin, I was listening to everyone’s stories and I felt the first few tears slip from my eyes. Then my cheeks were totally wet and I could barely see through my tears. Before I knew it, I was full on ugly crying.

I am so conflicted – on one hand I LOVE myself. I am a great person with a big heart. I could go on to tell you all the ways I think I am wonderful, but I am not that kind of person. Just know, I know I am awesome.

I DO NOT believe that my outside if awesome.  But I don’t hate myself or the way I look until I look at a picture of myself. Or look in the mirror.

 

Last night I wanted to get started on a fitbloggin recap so I started to look for pics on twitter. (I was terrible and took very few pics with my camera)

I started looking at the pictures and after seeing my smile, I noticed my flaws.

Then ALL I SAW were my flaws.

Then I tweeted….I put it out in the universe…and my friends responded….and I cried.

I need to see myself the way my husband and friends see me. Why can’t I ??

I realized this is broken thinking.

I don’t want to be broken. I want to like me, inside and out, in person and in pictures.

THE NEGATIVE SELF-TALK AND SELF-THOUGHTS HAVE TO STOP!!

photo source

I am not sure where to go from here or how to make it easier or better but I need to be nicer to me. I am still conflicted as to how, because I do like myself but not the way I look….does this make sense? I know I am not perfect and I don’t want to be perfect, but I would like to be able to look at myself in the mirror or in pictures and not hate everything I see.

Quick note to self

Note to self:
This week is going to fly by! Today was a holiday and short weeks always fly. Q finally starts back to school tomorrow (mold at school) and I have my back to school night Thursday. And, oh yeah, fitbloggin is this weekend. Breathe, you git this! Crazy, busy, no excuses! I will prepare for school each day and do what I can do! Keep calm and breathe and make good choices!!

And here are some plans to help!

Dinners:
Monday: pork, cabbage, potatoes
Tuesday: green onion chicken, grilled
Wednesday: korean beef
Thursday: breakfast (Back to School night)
Friday: AJ and Q are on their own, I will be in Baltimore

This week I WILL make moving an important part of each day.
I WILL:
Squat and lunge often throughout normal day
Plank and push up once a day
Walk and yoga at least once

follow through

Noun

1.

follow-through – carrying some project or intention to full completion

I have none of this.

None, is a bit strong, but lately I have had absolutely no follow-through. Deb was dead on when she commented, “this past year you’ve gone one thing “this is fabulous!” to another thing “THIS is the answer!”… All the while talking badly about yourself when you don’t see miracles in a month.”

NAIL meet my HEAD!

source.

I have been thinking about Deb’s comment a lot in the last few days. My mind keeps circling around these words.

I lack follow-through. But I used to have amazing follow-through (and I needed to remind myself)

• I left an abusive man and saved myself and my daughter
• I started college with a 2-year old – I worked full time, went to school full time, and maintained a B+/A- gpa
• I took care of myself when I walked away from family when I finally realized just how negative they are and how they are no good for me or Q

Damn, typing this and I just realized….I did all those things for Q. Yes, it all benefited me but I started and kept at it so she would be safe, happy, well-provided for, and still have a mom. I really did think I was going to be doing this whole life-thing with Q and only Q.

I was lucky in my second (or maybe third) life. While in school, I met some friends and met the man who would become my husband and best friend (as cheesy as this sounds it is the total truth).

I thought all along I was taking care of myself but really, I think I have been hiding behind being busy. A few years ago, I quit smoking. Then, a year or so after that, I joined WW and lost 50+ pounds, started running and felt great.

I didn’t stick with it.

I finished a half-marathon and slacked for months and months afterwards. Then I started training for another half-marathon and again, I felt great. Then I got hurt and depressed. Then surgery and more butt-sitting. More of that, “well I am stuck on the couch anyway, I might as well eat whatever I want.” Lack of movement and eating all that crap, I felt like crap.

My head has been fucked up for months.

I have tried lots of new activities. And I do get excited when I try new things. What you read on this blog is exactly how I feel and sound. I get excited when I start new things but I have no follow-through. I CAN have follow-through but I have been seriously lacking in this for a long time but especially the last year.

I make big plans, set big goals, get super excited, hit one snag, the fizzle and stop.

WTF?!?!

Why do I do this??

Actually, scratch that, it may not even matter why I do it, I just need to stop doing it. I have been feeling sorry for myself and hoping just hoping would produce results AND I AM NOT THAT PERSON, I AM NOT THAT WEAK!!

I am not setting goals or plans or predictions or anything crazy like that. I am simply going to live the life I deserve to live. I will work on losing weight (yep, tracking and eating good, healthy foods), being more active (adding in squats and steps, walking more, planking – that kind of stuff – baby steps – leading to consistency), and just enjoying being me (no more comparing, no more advertising, no more judging).

I am going to focus on being happy and healthy.

I do LOVE me some me, it is time my actions match my words.

I know what I need to do –

called out, crying and consistency

I needed yesterday’s post! I REALLY needed the comments I received on said post (and I did not nor do I ever blog for comments, I blog because I do need this space to work through the gunk in my head)!

Tara called me out. Then Deb jumped right in there. For the record, I love both ladies even more for doing that. They called me on my crap and I DESERVED it! I NEEDED it. I cried when I read their comments but they were right! They ARE right! I cried because I knew it. I have been looking outward, for a miracle. I have been mean to myself when that doesn’t work.

I have not been doing right by me. I have been floundering and I have allowed weight to creep back on and I have allowed “foods” and scams into my life. In a nutshell, I have not been doing right by me! I hate that I allowed old insecurities and old bad habits to overtake my own sensibilities. I hate that I let go of myself. I hate that I beat up on myself.  I hate that even though I say I love myself, I treat me like such crap!

That has to stop! Anyone else who talked to me the way I talk to myself would get slapped for sure.

IT ALL CHANGES RIGHT NOW!

I AM NOT GOING BACK TO BASICS!!!

I know the basics! I know what to do, I know what feels good for my body (real food, and mostly wheat free with daily movement) and I just need to DO IT! And do it consistently.

It is time I stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. Time I start doing what is right for me. It is time I stop worrying about what others might think of me. Ok, this all may be easier said than done but I am in this for the long haul. I am going to do right by me but I am not going to blather all about the big goals and BIG plans and happy times and miracles or weekly weigh-ins here on my blog anymore.

I am going to work on consistently living a healthy lifestyle. I will blog about my ins and outs (again, it makes my head feel good to have this space to work through it all) and what is going on in my life.

I am going to really really work on my insides (the organs and the emotions). Deb had great advice,

“Before you go looking for something to change your life, spend the next quarter (Sept.-Dec.) living a consistent life. No big changes, just small tweeks. No miracles, just repetition.

No answers outside of you. You already have the answers you need inside.”

and Tara  reminded me,

“You know how to do this. It’s time to do it and do it for real. You love to cook. Then cook your body the healthy food it deserves. Move damnit. Like your life depends on it. Walk around the block. Walk up and down your stairs. Who cares what you do as long as you do it!

You are looking in the wrong places to help you with what you seek. Stop looking outward an look inward. That Jen knows how to take care of business.”

 

I am going back to the kitchen, back to the bikepath, and back to reality!

 

Thank you for all your love!

 

Coming Clean

I started back to school last week and I have been super crazy busy with it all. I prepped, researched, created, and planned my butt off for two weeks leading up to my first day. I was so excited for back to school and had big plans for big changes this school year. Yes, I am a nerd like that! 😉
However, getting completely engrossed in work while sitting on my ass with my eyes glued on computer screen. Admittedly, I am proud that I actually spent that time working and did not procrastinate with tweeting and the book of face. I totally neglected my blog. I can’t even say I haven’t blogged just because I was busy preparing for new school year. Other than doing the visalus shake diet, I have done nothing blogworthy. I almost hate to admit it, but I was sort of hiding. It was hot and humid, my main AC unit stopped working, and I think that combined with a very tight summer budget (I may have to find a part time next summer to supplement my summer school earnings) left me in a slump. I can’t explain it – on one hand, I was super excited and focused on school prep and on the other hand, I was miserable and sluggish and feeling lost.

If I am being honest, and I am, I still am feeling both those sets of feelings.

And even more, IT PISSES ME OFF that I can only seem to work one area of my life at a time. Why can’t I be a great teacher, organized and on top of everything, AND actively losing weight AND maintaining a decent home and family?!? I see so many people who seem to be able to juggle and balance it all. I used to be so much better at busy and productive. So, why can’t I get it together this year?!?

I am going to switch over to bullets for a little bit of random rambling thoughts that have been in and out of my head these days. kay?!? thanks.

• in the past month of vi-shakes, I have only lost 1 pound. I can’t really blame the shakes, I was on-again, off-again with being really strict like I was actually on a diet.
• shakes plus all the fruit and other add-ins for said shakes is more money than I really want/need to spend.
• I have let myself get so out of shape. Yes, I know I had surgeries on my leg but I feel like I should be further along – mentally and physically.
• My first day of school I felt just how out of shape I have become – after a day of teaching and standing most of my day, my legs ached. I was tired and achy from my every day life. I felt pathetic.
• on the shakes all I thought about was when and what I was going to eat and what was going in my shakes. I feel/felt obsessed.
• I love to cook. Food is fun and delicious. Bad for me foods are way yummy, but so are fruits and veggies.
• I don’t want to diet but I want to lose weight.
• BUT, be perfectly clear, I like me just as I am but I feel like my extra weight is getting in my way – my joints (specifically my surgically repaired joints) would love me if I took off at least 50lbs, my lungs would breathe easier and my boobs wouldn’t suffocate me during yoga.
• Part of my feels like a failure because I had lost this weight prior to my injury last summer.
• The stronger part of my wants to know what to do next! I like me but I need to make improvements changes.
• I need and want to feel better.
• I want to be active.
• I hate to say it, but I have to go back to the very beginning. Actually, I don’t hate to say it. I am embracing a new start. I will leave the last year of weigh gain and mental self-abuse and I will work on me.
• I will feel strong and successful…doing in MY way.
• This post could get long but I need to grade papers and get to bed at a decent time. I will work on checking in more often…if for no other reason, then I need to clear my head in this space! It is my therapy for sure!!
• New beginning, here I come!